It's Not Goodbye, Dear Brett, It's See Ya Later

It came out of nowhere. It really did.

At about 10:15 this morning I was sitting in my first class of the day, dozing off and minding my own business, when my phone started vibrating. Naturally, I was expecting it to let out two quick shakes--which signals a text message, which is how I usually communicate since...well I don't know why, really--but it kept on vibrating, which obviously means I was getting a phone call.

Since the teacher I have has big issues with cellular phone use in class, I stealthily removed my phone from the front pocket of my cordurouys (fuck off, I don't know why I was wearing them either) and looked at the screen. It read "Sexy Buesink," which is how my roommate programmed himself into my phone two years ago, and I found that odd. He usually only calls me for sex.

I let it ring and figured it was something trivial, like that he'd misplaced his bobby tassles and thought I'd have some knowledge on their whereabouts, but then I got a text message. It said, "Scott, pick up your phone right now. I have something very important to tell you."

I sent a message back that said I was in class, and he said to leave and call him, because it was that important. I was extremely worried after he said this, because it's a surefire rarity for anything good in our lives to happen that warrants urgency such as he was displaying, but I wasn't going to leave class to call him.

Some things were going through my head, worst-case-scenario type things, like one of our friends was in some kind of trouble or something.

That turned out not to be the case, but it was pretty bad. Moments later I received a message that read, "Well I guess I can just text it to you. BREAKING NEWS: Packer's QB Brett Favre has retired."

I involuntarily muttered the word "fuck" kind of loudly, and people looked at me. I quickly turned red and glanced down at my notebook so that my colleagues would not see the tears welling up in my eyes. I looked down at my backpack and grabbed my package of kleenex, only to find them gone. (Yes, it was one of those days.) I sniffled a little bit, and watched two of my tears drop from my eyes onto my paper, forever distorting the heart I'd drawn with block letters on the inside that said "SCOTT + FRANK 4-EVA."

Somehow, with the help of friends and loved ones, I gathered the strength to carry on after the initial shock, but I'm not sure how. This hit me out of nowhere, on a morning when I was already reeling from the angst I'd felt the previous day upon hearing that the Steelers had signed that Ben guy for $102 million and I'd have to put up with him for at least eight more years.

But now, I see what my man Brett is doing. He's leaving behind his cannon arm and on-field prowess to take our nation's capital by storm.

He's leaving Wrangler for custom-made suits, press conferences after games for debates with politicians. Superbowls for Super Tuesdays. Prilosec OTC for caffeine pills to help campaign fatigue.

Brett Favre is leaving behind little whit pain pills for the White House, ladies and gentlemen.

He's seen what's happening to this country, and he's heeded the call of his people. I don't imagine that Brett, like myself, really likes anybody that's up for commander in chief at present, and though it's too late for him to get in on the fun for 2008, I think he's going to start building his political resume for the election in 2012.

He'll probably jump into a senatorial, or even gobernatorial (I don't know how to fucking spell that and I'm not going to look it up) race like Lynn Swann did. Obviously Swann lost, but he would've never even been given a thought if he wasn't a famous NFL player. Obviously though, that's not why Favre would win.

He'd win because he is the man.

I predict that he'll run in his home state of Mississippi, though I wouldn't rule out Wisconsin, because he could probably take complete control of that state right now if he wanted to, all he'd have to do is ask the Cheeseheads to stage a military coup.

I guess he'll run as a Republican...I mean, he's endorsed by Wrangler and he chews snuff. He's not exactly Nancy Pelosi. I don't know, though, the whole tobacco thing doesn't seem to be such a big deal now, since Barack Obama smoked cigarettes and weed, and also apparently did his fair share of blow (depending of course on what you deem a fair share).

Fuck it, Brett Favre is going to revolutionize politics and eliminate the need for parties. He'll actually unite this country. It just sucks that we're gonna have to wait at least four more years.

This is all just a dream of mine, and it probably won't happen.

I never thought one man retiring from a sport would turn me into such a pessimist.