Sunday, September 30, 2007

Favre 4 President

Today I got to see Brett Farve break Dan Marino's coveted record for most NFL touchdown passes thrown by a quarterback in the history of the league. This was a pretty big triumph, and I've always considered myself a fan of Favre. Not only can the man play the sport and throw a ball like pretty much no one I've ever seen (except maybe Peyton Manning), but he also comes off as a really cool dude. I'd like to hang out with him.

While I was thinking on my admiration for the man, I thought about John Madden, as I always do. Madden has a love for Favre that I think can only be paralleled by the quarterback's wife and children. So, anytime I think about Madden, I think about Frank Caliendo, the comedian that flawlessly imitates Madden. He uses Madden's comments and liking of Favre as the central part for many of his jokes about the aging color commentator, and it's fucking hilarious.

One thing that Caliendo often says when he's impersonating Madden is that, "Brett Favre should run for president." Now, I know this is a joke, of course, and I don't think that Caliendo or Madden truly believe that he should run for President of the United States of America. It seems like a preposterous notion.

But do you know what? I think he should go for it.

There's obviously an election coming up in 2008, and there's a diverse spackling of candidates this year. It's very plausible that our country could have it's first movie/television star since Ronald Reagan (Fred Thompson of Law and Order or the legendary Christopher Walken), it's first black president (Barak Obama), Mormon president (Mitch Romney), or female president (Hilary Clinton, in which case I will relocate to the land of Alanis Morrisette and Steve Nash). Why not a professional football quarterback? Gerald Ford played quarterback for the University of Michigan, and as far as I know he didn't fuck anything up too bad.

There are a number of plausible reasons for why I think that Favre would make a great president. Seriously.

He's obviously a great leader. He's become famous for being an unselfish and unpretentious man and player; basically he is all about the team, which is something you don't see as often as you used to in professional sports. I'm not saying that he'd be a communist if he was a president, but I'm saying that he definitely would not be a dictator. He would listen to opinions and change his agenda accordingly, I think, which is a quality that many argue our current president has not been blessed with. I can't really comment on that, since I've never stated an opinion for the man, but I feel like Favre would listen to me when I told him that women should be able to legally vote when they reach the age of 18 (I know this has already come about, but I needed an example).

I also think that Favre may be able to manage the war pretty effectively. This starts with my previous statements, that he would listen to opinions and act accordingly, maybe finding some kind of compromise between what the opinions of all parties and people may be. If it was deemed necessary to actually win the war in Iraq, I think Favre might be able to effectively do that. I don't want to compare war victories to football victories at all, because I know that they are nothing alike and I could piss off a lot of people by doing something so ignorant, but I will say that Favre is used to winning and has a pension for it, maybe more than any other president. Bush, for example, has only owned the Texas Rangers, and in case you don't know baseball too well, they suck.

Another big issue in our country is the people's anger and resentment concerning the current administration's reaction when Hurricane Katrina ravaged New Orleans. Bush and his people have been on the receiving end of some extremely rough criticism over this whole issue, many of it racially and socially motivated. It's no secret that many of this nation's citizens feel that they did not react quickly enough in aiding the people that were stuck in the floods and storm because the majority of them were lower-class black citizens. Rapper Kanye West has gone on record as saying that, "George Bush doesn't care about black people." Maybe he does, maybe he doesn't. I haven't asked the man, and I wasn't in New Orleans before, during, or after that natural disaster, and I don't watch Spike Lee documentaries.

What I do know, is that Brett Favre cares about black people, because Brett Favre cares about everybody, due to his selflessness and willingness to be of aid to anyone, including those with heartburn (Priolosec OTC!). If you've ever seen Favre's usual celebration after throwing a touchdown pass, you know that he sprints to the endzone and picks up the player on the receiving end of the pass and literally carries him around on his back. All of his receivers are black, so if there was a disaster, I think it's safe to say that Favre would carry all of us on his back, including black people.

Those are just a few of the reasons that I think Brett Favre should be president, and I could go on with a few more. Maybe I will as election time draws nearer, but right now I must go watch The Notebook with some of my friends.

Brett Favre, September's Man-Crush of the month.

Friday, September 21, 2007

We Just Draw Dicks To Pass The Time

I was sitting in Introduction to Meteorology earlier this week, which is obviously one of my classes. Even though my professor is hilarious and I am vaguely interested with the class, I still have a hard time paying attention. I attribute this to the face that it is a science class, a subject that I have no skill in or patience for. When I have trouble paying attention, I usually participate in things that are going to be of no benefit to anyone, and I try to be funny, but like Carlos Mencia, rarely succeed.

So on this particular afternoon, I was sitting in my seat in the back of the room trying to figure out how to draw a fucking isopleth so that I wouldn't fail the quiz that I have to take about eleven hours from right now. I quickly became bored and zoned out, and thought about resting my head on my arm and taking a quick nap (which always results in me twitching myself awake and falling off of my desk which sends everyone around me into fits of laughter and taunting), but realized that I wasn't as tired as I normally was.

I searched my immediate vicinity for something that I could possibly entertain myself with. I thought about getting a book out of my bag, but apparently people don't read books anymore and I would be chuckled at by my roommate, who happened to be sitting right next to me. So, then I thought about sending out a text message, but to whom? I couldn't think of anyone or anything to say, so I mentally drew a line through that idea.

Then, fate (or something, I don't know if I believe in fate. Talk to Mike Buesink about this, he'll give you a good argument that will quickly turn into something unbelievably irrelevant to the subject at hand.) intervened. My friend Kayla, who sits one row to the right of me and one desk up, grabbed her planner out of her backpack--probably to mark down that we had a quiz on Friday. I did no such thing. I keep it all up in the noggin.

She jotted her note down, and then dropped the planner on top of her backpack, that was sitting on the ground beside her chair. It was plainly exposed, and I counted to 50-Mississippi before I made my move. I slyly reached down and snatched her planner from on top of her bag.

I got out my black pen and wondered what I should write in her notebook, which is a stupid thing to say, because you and I both know that I had it in my head what I was going to draw as soon as I hatched my plan to snag the planner.

Naturally, I drew cocks.

Now, for those of you who do not know what a "cock" is, I'll list a definition and some synonyms. A cock is the male sex organ. It is commonly referred to as: dick, dong, shlong, wang, purple-headed yogurt slinger (courtesy of James Van Der Beek), the octagon (Brian Fantana), weiner, mushroom head, lighthouse, and if you want to be politically correct, penis. There are many others, feel free to let me know if you have any creative ones that I haven't listed, or something cool I don't even know about.

I drew cocks all over September 21, 20, and 19th.

So, after this random act of nonviolence, my rommate and I shared some laughs, and then he took the planner and drew more dicks on it. We laughed some more, because we are unfathomably immature 19-year-olds.

If you're wondering, they looked kind of like this:

Later on that day I started to think about why I had drawn penises all over my friend's planner. Apparently she plays basketball, and her coach looks at her planner every week. She plays girls basketball too, and her coach is a woman. This means that she's a lesbian. I wondered how she would react, or if she would know what they were. I began to take solace in the fact that I had written, "nuclear missile" next to one of them. I thought maybe she'd just think and Iranian or North Korean had gotten a hold of her star shooting guard's weekly planner.

I couldn't come up with a viable reason for why I had drawn weins on her planner. There was no real good reason, and this bothered me. I then wondered why every guy from the age of like 12 to at least...well I don't know how long it lasts, loves to draw the male anatomy all over everything. There is absolutely no plausible reason for something like this to take place. My roommate and I lived in a dormitory last year, and we tried to put a dry erase board up outside of our room door so that we could have a quote of the day. It was there one night, and the next morning there were 36 dicks drawn on it. What good did that do anyone?

One night this past summer, I passed out at a sleepover with a few of my friends (you know, we were playing chess and scrabble and watching season one of The Hills), and I woke up the next morning there were at least 20 cocks drawn on my body with purple marker. I'm sure it was funny at the time, but was it really worth it? I mean, they laughed about it for probably about ten minutes, but beyond that all it did was make me sprint into my house the next morning so that I could reach the bathroom for an hour long shower scrubbing before my parents saw me and thought that I was some kind of freak.

There was also that phase in high school, where you'd have to wash your car every three days, because if it got at all dirty, there would be cocks finger-drawn all over it whenever you came out to the student parking lot after basketball practice.

Then there was the amazing movie, Superbad. They talked about the dick-drawing thing being a disease, but they gave erroneous information. The character in the movie said that, "It's not a big deal. Something like 8 percent of kids do it." That is not true. At least not among the people that I hang out with. It's more like 98 percent of the kids that I know. One could argue that it's the crowd I hang out with, since they are some unorthodox dudes, but I don't buy it. There were countless kids on my dormitory floor that I'm absolutely positive carried around dry erase markers in their jean pockets just so they could draw meat sticks on unsuspecting boards.

Anyway, this has been bothering me all week. I want to know why kids, guys especially, are so into drawing penises on everything. It seems like it might be unhealthy, and I've thought about quitting the habit. I think it might be harder than stopping nicotine, though, because every time I see blank spaces on pieces of paper, I want to get a thick pointed Sharpie and just go to town. All I need is some justification for drawing weiners on things. If anybody has any input to this, please let me know. I haven't been sleeping, it's been driving me insane.

This is worse than the time I spent a whole week trying to figure out why anybody likes Nickelback.