Thursday, August 6, 2009


Sometimes, guys do things that very effectively emasculate them. Sometimes they get sucked into it and hate it, and sometimes they do these things voluntarily, and actually enjoy them (a good example would be chick flicks, which I continute to enjoy even though every one I've ever watched seems to steel a little bit more of my already significantly lowered masculinity). Sometimes they're very goal-oriented, like if you do something emasculating, like getting a manicure or wearing a pair of skinny jeans, your girlfriend will then allow you to hold hands with her and maybe (just maybe) kiss her on the cheek at the end of your date.

Doing things like this is fine, to a certain extent. Goals are a very good thing to have. I've always been a pretty goal-centric person, and realize that sometimes you have to make certain sacrifices to reach you ultimate goal--or else it wouldn't be very rewarding at the end. I know there have to be a lot of other guys out there like me, who are willing to make themselves a bit less manly in order to reach the ultimate goal that men were programmed to seek: the admiration of a woman.

So, I've decided to let you in on the little secret I have, a method to regain your masculinity almost immediately after losing a large and important portion of it. It's called "BARJing". BARJing is an acronym for Balancing And Restoring Justice, and it's very, very effective. I first learned of this phenomenon a couple of summers ago, when a group of my friends began using it (I'm not sure of it's origin prior to that). Everytime one of us would fuck something up, we'd have to do something else that would counteract our misstep. It's a way of restoring balance to the world, and to maintain your equilibrium so as not to compromise yourself, those around you, or, most importantly, a good time.

Basically, BARJing is very similar to karma. If you don't BARJ after something, then it could have an effect on you down the road, and usually in a negative way. Just like the whole karma "what goes around, comes around thing," except BARJing is less cryptic and not used as the ultimate go-to coping maneuver for when someone breaks up with you.

(You all know what I'm talking about. You get dumped, and don't know what to do with yourself, so you'll say something like, "Whatever, karma's a bitch, implying that the person is going to be fucked over at some point in their lives because they dumped you. We've all done it, and I want to be perfectly clear right now, before we go any further, that BARJing is not to be used as a coping mechanism following a heartbreaking. BARJing is not meant to make things worse for other people that you dislike. It's really only about you, and regaining a balance with yourself.)

Now, BARJing can be used in all kinds of situations, but I'm going to focus on how it can be used exceptionally to regain masculinity. Did you just watch The Notebook with your girlfriend and like it, even though the couple gets back together because Rachel McAdams character is a cheating whore (lets be honest, she could've broken up with Cyclops before she went and boned Ryan Gosling in the rain, even though I do quite enjoy the sauciness of that particular scene)? Did you just go to a Dixie Chicks or Kelly Clarkson concert? Did you just drink a Michelob Ultra (which, oddly enough, I'm doing right now)? Did you just watch more than one episode of Sex and the City and either admit that you knew where Miranda was coming from, or that it's actually a "pretty decent show?"

Well, if you've done any, all or some of these things, or committed any other emasculating acts, then you need to do some BARJing, and the only way to balance yourself out after something like that is to do something extremely manly. Something that will make your friends and yourself completely forget about the terrible act you recently took part in. You have to wipe the slate clean, and here are a few ways I believe you can do just that.

Go to the strip club. I've never personally been to one of these before, but I think that this is one of the most straightforward ways to regain some masculinity. I'm told you leave one of these places just absolutely reeking of lewd woman, and although dancers at strip clubs are (usually) feminine, they are a rare breed. They have a unique ability to make you feel very manly, which is probably because they show you all of their nether regions without ever asking you to run out to the grocery store and get them a fucking blueberry bagel with extra cream cheese. It makes you feel manly because you don't have to even try. This requires some imagination, though, because you are paying them money. If you can somehow pretend that you're R. Kelly or Bret Michaels or something like that, and that these girls are dumb enough to give you a lap dance for free because you have a show on VH1, you'll be golden.

Go outside and throw a football. Men do stuff like this. They just get out there in their Wranglers with Skoal rings and their old high school team cutoffs and just throw the fucking pigskin around. Throwing a football a long distance to another man shows strength and accuracy, and the ability to catch said ball demonstrates a grace that is pretty manly. How can grace be manly, you ask? Easily. After catching the ball, a man dives in the fucking mud. After this, you can go home to your wife or girlfriend or whatever, traipse through the kitchen with your shoes on, strip naked, tell her to wash your clothes, and then go into the living room where you will drink beer and watch football (still naked) while congratulating yourself on the fact that you just made a catch that would've actually made Chad Johnson shut the fuck up.

Eat red meat and/or chicken wings. I'm not sure what it is about beef exactly, but everytime I sit down and eat a steak I feel like I could run two to three countries simultaneously for eight years running without ever even breaking a sweat. You just feel like a dude when you have a steak. If you've really done something womanly (like sang along to Sheryl Crow while you had the top down), then go out to a restaurant and buy a steak. When the waitress comes to your table to set down the pre-entree salad, grab it and throw it in her face. Then tell her that you're a carnivore.

Fight someone. This has always been a pretty big go-to for regaining masculinity. Socking another guy in the face is always good for a huge surge of adrenaline, and you'll feel pretty powerful. Just make sure the man you fight is smaller than you and not very good at hand-to-hand combat, because if you lose said fight then you're fucked. You'll be BARJing for a very, very long time, because a lost fistfight is not something that your friends forget about easily. This method of BARJing can be dangerous, though, because of the addiction factor that comes with it. Some people have the tendency to begin thinking they're Chuck Liddel after beating up one person, and then they'll start trying to get into fights all the time. Sooner or later, they'll meet their match. Also, they might start wearing Affliction or TAPOUT apparel.

Drink scotch while showering. Scotch is known as one of the manliest drinks out there, and it's one you always see people sitting around and drinking while they shoot the bull and smoke cigarettes. Take it one step further. Be the man that is so excited about downing half a bottle of Johnnie Walker that he can't even wait to start until after he's done showering. Why would a real man shower? Because he's all muddy from diving in it during the fucking football game. A clean man is a respected man.

Blow some shit up. It doesn't matter what it is. Just light fire to something that's going to explode, then stand back and watch it. It gives you the feeling that you can destroy things without actually taking a step down that dark and slippery slope that eventually leads to homicide.

Shotgun a beer. Honestly, do you ever see girls doing this? Because I don't.(I can't wait until the three girls that actually read this message me and tell me about how they shotgun beers all the time. I know it's going to fucking happen, I just know it.) Sometimes, when a guy is all out of scotch, he has to switch to beer, which is hampering to one's overall goal of complete obliteration because there's less alcohol in a beer. So, to try and make up for it, you just have to get an entire beer down your throat in as little time as possible, and shotgunning is the best way to do it. Beer bonging is good, too, but not as manly. You put your mouth on a hose, 'nuff said.

Watch some porn. If you dont' have any (which translates to, if you are without Internet access), watch a few episodes of Mad Men. All the dudes on this show do is drink liquor excessively WHILE WORKING, smoke unfiltered cigarettes, and degrade women. They also wear suits. It's an amazing thing. If you don't have that, either, I guess you can watch Shark Week. I'm not sure why I'd even consider it manly, I just kind of enjoy watching it. Oh, I know: it's educational. Knowledge is power. Manly men are powerful. There we go.

Mow the lawn. Realistically, nobody really enjoys doing this (like riding the PitFall), but it goes with the pride a man has in his belongings. He wants his house and property to look fly, and so his lawn must look bangin'. You won't be as satisfied with it if you don't do it yourself, so you may as well do it. It's like this with most maintenance-intensive outdoor activities, like weedwhacking or chopping firewood. You fucking hate doing it, but feel great and really masculine after doing so. Especially if these tasks are completed either shirtless or while wearing a wife beater.

Lift weights. This is something guys do when they don't have a yard. Nobody really likes doing it, but you feel better afterwards, and stronger I guess. And girls might like you better if you have a nice set of pectorals. Also, chances are if you spend enough time in a gym, you'll find some of those guys that like to scream while lifting weights; they also usually enjoy talking about their diets, and maybe the crotch rockets that they like to ride on the weekends (I should stop, because stereotyping is no way to barj at all).

You get the idea.