Tuesday, July 7, 2009

These Early Morning Thoughts

It's seven o'clock in the morning, and I've already been awake for three hours. I've been at work for two of them, and I've only been doing real work for about thiry minutes. Now, I don't know if you've ever been up that early, but it's a very strange thing (also inhumane and fucking terrible). You almost need coffee if you're going to participate in something this abnormal and unsettling, and I'm hestitant to say that because I hate when people are so reliant on coffee that you can't talk to them until they've consumed an entire cup. The combination of the strange hour and the caffeine really makes you do a lot of strange thinking, and prior to it, some strange sleeping. It's really strange to attempt to fall asleep at 9 p.m. Maybe it's just me, but I've always done my best and most erratic thinking in the dark (which is probably why I don't sleep all that well), so my mind has been racing all morning. I'm going to write some of them down now, and I really have no idea why. Lack of anything better to do, I suppose.

--Wouldn't it suck to do something completely amazing when you were very young, and never be able to do anything to eclipse that for as long as you live? You'd be known for just this one thing forever, and no other achievement would even come close to it. Some of them might not even be recognized. Think of Vanilla Ice and "Ice Ice, Baby." (This could be a horrible example, because it's extremely arguable whether that song is even good, or just stupid good. Like that Chumbawumbah song, "Tubthumper." That's stupid good.) Think of Francis Ford Coppola. He directed The Godfather, which I'm told is really good and maybe even the best American movie ever made. I've never seen it, because the mafia doesn't interest me in absolutely any way, but I hear good things. Since then, that's all he's been known for. He really hasn't made another good movie, and all he does now is own a winery. Think about the high school quarterback who won a state championship, but then went on to work at a gas station before eventually being busted for cooking crystal meth in his bathtub. You've got to wonder, though, if this is better than never achieving anything at all. I'll let you know in a few years.

--I just read that Michael Jackson's memorial service is going to cost taxpayers more than $3.5 million in California. How fucked up is that? I mean, I know he was good and everything, but he was just a musician, and one with a pretty suspect past at that. I mean, evidence points pretty convincingly to him being guilty of child molestation, and I don't think anyone wants to pay money to remember someone like that. You keep hearing people saying things about how they want to remember him as the musician he was and not the extremely disturbed person he ended up becoming, which is fine, as long as people don't have to pay out the ass in tax money for it.

--Why can't we take that $3.5 million and give it to the pornography industry? I've been reading up on it (it was in the newspaper the other day, really), and they're not doing so hot. I think that if, during a recession, shit goes downhill with the porn industry, we're going to be in big trouble. I'm sure many jobless men sit at home all day checking out pornography sites, and it's probably one of the only things keeping them sane. If sites and movies begin to disappear or decrease in quality, these men are going to straight up lose their shit. Adult entertainment needs a bailout.

--I dig fmylife.com as much as the next guy, and I've gotten a good laugh out of it. But people need to quit using it for every little fucking thing that goes wrong in their life. I mean, I'd feel bad for you if something actually bad had happened, but you have to use judgement. This little snippet, from the site, is a pretty good fuck my life moment:

Today, my boyfriend told me he couldn't hang out with me because he felt really sick. I went to his house anyway to surprise him with homemade soup. I walk in to his room only to find him hooking up with my sister. She can't drive, our mom drove her there. FML

Compare that with this, which I saw from a person's status update on Facebook this morning: "I'm in the Charlotte airport and our flight to Phoenix was supposed to leave at 9:25, but now it's delayed 'til 10:30. FML!!!!!!!"

Yeah, fuck your life, because if that's your idea of a bad time, you should be shot. You're going to fucking PHOENIX, who gives a god damn if you have to wait in NORTH CAROLINA for an extra hour? If I was going on vacation to Arizona today, my girlfriend could be hooking up with all three of my siblings and I wouldn't give a shit.

I just think people should think a little harder before they decide to deem their lives as "fucked." If they don't, this thing that is kind of funny is going to turn into the most annoying thing ever, like people quoting Borat or Napoleon Dynamite.

--I hate when girls profess openly that they are "bitches," and that we're just going to have to "deal with it." Or something to that effect. It's like they're so proud of being spiteful and stupid that they have to convey it to the masses with some Sex and the City quote on their MySpace pages or their Facebook "About Me" sections. Do you ever see a guy write something revealing how big of a dick they are to girls (besides Tucker Max, who unlike the rest of mankind, has managed to make a handsome living off of doing just that)? Dudes don't just put, "I'm a douchebag, you're just going to have to live with it :)" in writing. They just wear Affliction shirts. It's quieter and easier to spot at least.

--Spencer and Heidi Pratt are fucking geniuses. I say this because they have it all figured out. It's obvious that they know they're no good at anything, and that they don't deserve to be famous for any reason at all. I think they've probably known this from day one, so what they decided to do was become the biggest idiots in show business. Everybody hates them, and they know it, so they continue to play to that role by making awful music videos and saying some of the dumbest shit anyone has ever heard in their entire lives. They know that eventually the public is going to figure this out, and then pay attention them some more. By the time they're completely obsolete, they will have accrued enough capital to live out the rest of their lives lavishly, even if it is without friends or admiration from anyone.

Basically, they're like that kid that used to wear urban-camo wife beaters and backwards hats with rainbow sunglasses to high school. They know that everyone hates them because everything they do is ridiculous, so they continue to outdo their own absurdity in an effort to get attention.

--The world is in gigantic trouble, and this is evident through three glaring entities: Sarah Palin, Twitter, and Sarah Palin's Twitter.

There are people out there that actually like Sarah Palin, in spite of the fact that she's clearly fucking insane. I'm not saying this because I hope to someday be a member of the media, but maybe I partially am. She constantly gripes about how the media mistreats her, but I think it's just how the media realistically treats her. If you say some of the stupid shit that she does, and you've somehow been picked to run as the vice president of the U.S., you're going to fall under a lot of scrutiny, and rightfully so. It's tough to think that someone who is as delusional as she is could have been one step away from the presidency. I don't get how that even happened.

Okay, I guess Twitter isn't really a sign that the world is in trouble, because it really does pass information around in a super quick and efficient way (not to mention extremely concise), and I've always been a fan of information (wow). It is, however, potentially going to have a pretty negative impact on the English language, I think. People already utilize terrible grammar through text messages and twitter and instant messaging, but my generation is the first to really start using those technological means of communication. Text messaging didn't really start to get big until I was about 15 or 16 years old, and by then I already knew pretty much all I needed to about grammar. What happens when 8 year-olds are Tweeting about winning a game of Red Rover at recess? What if the word "you" is someday officially replaced by "u," and people only communicate in short bursts of informational dialogue? The eloquence could be taken away from the language forever, in both written and verbal form.

Sarah Palin's Twitter is just fucking frightening, and not because of what she even says, exactly. I've found that she likes to really get on a soap box and rattle off a bunch of nonsense when she has something to say, so she doesn't give out much information on Twitter. She does, however, use some of the worst grammar I've ever seen in my life: "
Grateful Todd left fishing grnds to join me this wkend; but now he's back slaying salmon & working the kids @ the site; anxious to join 'em!"
...That's actually one of her Tweets. This woman could someday be elected president, and that is how she Tweets. Can you imagine if the constitution was written that way? And is that actually a fucking semi-colon??

--Jon and Kate Gosselin are pretty awful.

--I just went to the bathroom to urinate, and it made me think about how much I hate having such an extremely small bladder. Somedays, I think I actually pee about once every 15 minutes, and it's so terribly annoying. Right now I work in an office where I have to get up and walk through a bunch of open cubicles on my way to the hall where the restroom is. Nobody has commented on the startling frequency of my trips yet, but I'm starting to get scared that my boss thinks I'm a cocaine addict. That's what I'd think if I saw someone going to the bathroom so often. I also have sort of a stuffy nose today, so I'm doing a lot of sniffling. Maybe there will be an intervention later on today.

--A few weeks ago, I went to bed on a Thursday evening after a night of some decently hard drinking. (To put it in context, my friend threw up all over the sidewalk while we were waiting for a taxi, and I didn't even remember that he did this until the next day.) Anyway, I set my alarm for 8:15 before I went to bed, because I'm a very light sleeper and will wake up when an alarm goes off, no matter what.

I woke up the next day, rolled over and saw that my clock was blinking, like the power had gone out. So, I went and turned my phone on and found out that it was 12:15 in the afternoon, and that my boss had called and texted me numerous times. So had my mother. He'd called my mother because he'd been worried about me, and she had in turn begun to call me. I called both of them and went into work, four hours after I was supposed to initially be there. Neither of them was mad, just concerned.

I guess if you sleep through work, you find out how much people really worry about your well-being.

--I was at a wedding a couple of weekends ago, and I realized that the Electric Slide is one of the greatest inventions ever. This is because a person that is a terrible dancer (see: me) can still get involved with the dancing process, and not feel like a total idiot in doing so. I mean, anybody can do the electric slide.

--I've noticed that people can often be just like movie trailers. Sometimes you see a trailer for a movie, and you immediately get very excited about it. Maybe it has a characteristic you like, like one of your favorite actors or is about a topic you've always been interested in.

Sometimes you see a person for the first time, and you immediately get very excited about them. Maybe they have a characteristic you like, like a nice body or the absence of braces.

Sometimes, when you go to see that movie, you come away disappointed and tell your friends not to bother, because all of the good parts are already shown in the previews. They made it look good, but the whole package didn't measure up.

Sometimes, after you've talked to that person for a little while, you may come away disappointed and tell your friends you won't be hooking them up with any of her friends, because she is a c-word or likes the Philadelphia Flyers. Or both.

Sometimes you see previews for a movie, and it doesn't look that good to you at all, so you pretty much forget about it. Months--or even years--later, you may come across it in a video store and realize that the topic may resonate with your life now, or maybe other people suggested it to you, or maybe you're just taking a random chance. You take home that movie and it becomes one of your favorites, possibly even the best you've ever seen.

Sometimes, you see a person and you think they're kind of good looking but for whatever reason you don't speak with them. You may think you don't have a chance, or you're nervous, or you're just not at a point in your life where you want to meet new people. Whatever. Months--or even years--later, you may come across this person again and strike up a conversation. Maybe you take that person home and they become the best person you've ever met in your life.

Sometimes you see a movie preview and it looks really good, so you go and see it the day it comes out. You love it, and think about it constantly. You buy it the day it comes out on DVD (in BlueRay, even!), and watch it a bunch of times. This infatuation continues for years, until one day you realize that, deep down, this movie wasn't all it was cut out to be, and that you don't want it in your life anymore. So you let it go.

Sometimes you see a person and they really appeal to you, and you somehow manage to take them out immediately. You love them, and think about them constantly. Eventually you move in together, and maybe even get married. Your marriage lasts for a few years, until one day you realize that, deep down, this person wasn't all you thought they were cut out to be, and that you don't want them in your life anymore. So you let them go.

See what I mean?

Friday, July 3, 2009


"fuck |fək| vulgar slang
verb [ trans. ]
1 have sexual intercourse with (someone).
• [ intrans. ] (of two people) have sexual intercourse.
2 ruin or damage (something).
an act of sexual intercourse.
• [with adj. ] a sexual partner.
used alone or as a noun ( the fuck) or a verb in various phrases to express anger, annoyance, contempt, impatience, or surprise, or simply for emphasis.
go fuck yourself an exclamation expressing anger or contempt for, or rejection of, someone.
not give a fuck ( about) used to emphasize indifference or contempt.
fuck around spend time doing unimportant or trivial things. • have sexual intercourse with a variety of partners. • ( fuck around with) meddle with.
fuck off [usu. in imperative ] (of a person) go away.
fuck someone over treat someone in an unfair or humiliating way.
fuck someone up damage or confuse someone emotionally.
fuck something up (or fuck up) do something badly or ineptly.
fuckable adjective
ORIGIN early 16th cent.: of Germanic origin (compare Swedish dialect focka and Dutch dialect fokkelen); possibly from an Indo-European root meaning [strike,] shared by Latin pugnus ‘fist.’
USAGE Despite the wideness and proliferation of its use in many sections of society, the word fuck remains (and has been for centuries) one of the most taboo words in English. Until relatively recently, it rarely appeared in print; even today, there are a number of euphemistic ways of referring to it in speech and writing, e.g., the F-word, f***, or f—k."

That was, obviously, the official dictionary definition for the word fuck. Fuck is one of my favorite words, really, and I've been defending the widespread use of it vehemently for years now. I'm sure most people think I enjoy the word and use it so often because I'm an extremely vulgar person, which is not true at all in my eyes. (Vulgarity is a pretty relative thing, though, and it depends on how delicate the sensibilities are of the person that's judging you.) I use it so often because I like to think of myself as passionate, and I can think of no better way to express pretty much any extreme emotion that I'm feeling at any given time. Except love, because even I would hesitate to say something like, "I fucking love you." You've got to draw the line somewhere.

I also really appreciate versatility, and like guys who play on both sides of the ball in the NFL (Deon Sanders) and women that have a nice ass and also enjoy reading, fuck is extremely versatile. I'm prepared to say it's the most versatile word in the English language, and it's great (or fucking great) that when someone uses it, you can always immediately discern what they mean by it. There is no other word with so many meanings that so easily lacks ambiguity whenever it's uttered or screamed; whether it's used as an adjective, verb or noun.

For example, say a Nickelback comes on the radio while you're driving somewhere with a group of your friends. You might say something like, "Ah, change it right now. I fucking hate Nickelback worse than any band to ever perform." Upon hearing this, your friends will immediately know that you dislike Nickelback, which is a sentiment you could've easily conveyed without using the word fuck, but it adds an unparalleled degree of emphasis to the word. Your friends know now that you have a really extremely passionate dislike for this band, and that they probably shouldn't play any of their songs around you because a) you will start complaining immediately, and b) you will never hang out with them again. If you would've just said "I hate Nickelback," they'd put that group on the same level as, say, Green Day, who are pretty bad, but definitely not as fucking terrible as Nickelback.

If they keep the song on, and you realize that it's really not that bad (I assure you this will never, ever fucking happen), you might say something like "Holy fuck, this song isn't that bad." Again, the fuck isn't absolutely necessary, but it definitely carries more resonance than if you were to say something like "Holy cow," or "Holy Toledo." If you say something like that, then they'll probably just laugh at you and call you a douchebag. Believe me.

If the conversation continues about Nickelback--because there's always that one kid that's trying to tell you that they really aren't that bad because he's either people that say "Oh, I like everything" or just has exceptionally bad taste --you might get onto the topic of their lead singer, who goes by the name of Chad Kroeger and has the worst haircut I've ever seen in my entire life. You'll probably say something like, "God, if I ever saw that leather-pants-wearing talentless piece of shit in person, I'd probably want to fuck his shit up." Your friends immediately know that you mean you would not mind fighting Chad Kroeger (you might say is kind of an odd sentiment, to want to fight somebody because they make terrible music; if you are saying that, then you've probably never heard much Nickelback). They immediately know that you don't want to actually have sex with the guy, and that's why fuck is so awesome. It's got a clarity to it that other words with multiple meanings can't even touch. Think about it: if you would've said "If I ever saw Chad Kroeger, I'd slam him," then there might be a little bit of confusion over whether you actually want to slam him to the ground, or ram him in the ass. You don't want that kind of confusion at all, especially in circumstances as delicate as that. If you ever imply that you want to have sex with a member of Nickelback, you will probably immediately lose any and all credibility as a stable human being that your friends have ever awarded you.

I think you see what I'm trying to get at, here.

Another thing I really like about the fuck word is that you can use it to express a number of emotions simultaneously. I don't think there's another word in the English language that can actually do that. Say you find out your ex-girlfriend cheated on you with some dude from Miami Ink. You can express surprise, anger, contempt, etc. in regards to hearing that news by simply saying "What the fuck?" or "You've got to be fucking kidding me." Something like that.

Now, as you've read in the dictionary definition above, it says that fuck is still a pretty taboo word that rarely makes it to print, and is not really socially acceptable to say it in public. It's especially bad to say it around little kids. I think the only reason for this, though, is because people make it seem bad; or at least a lot worse than it really actually is. The truth of the matter--from my experience, anyway--is that people really don't use it all that often in conjunction to it's original meaning, which is to say sexually. If we actually started using it frequently, like at the dinner table or in children's books, then we might be able to someday eliminate it as a sexual term altogether. If fuck becomes a commonplace word that can be used exclusively to describe a broad range of emotions and not intercourse, then it can be used all the time to promote brevity and description, and not lose one ounce of its power as a word. People can say fuck at the dinner table, and not worry about being reprimanded. Talk about utopia.

I just think that times are definitely changing, and that the commonly-accepted vernacular should change with them. Our society is obviously more open to things that were once considered vulgar but have now become commonplace, like premarital sex or a nationally televised lingerie fashion show. Why can't fuck join that group?

In conclusion, fuck is an awesome word. Use it to your advantage.