Thursday, October 30, 2008

Socialism is really the answer.

There's an election coming up, in case you didn't know. It's been a constant subject debate amongst my friends (and also kids I really don't like at all) about who should become the next president. This is healthy and all, but I never really understood political arguments. No matter who is right, no one can ever be convinced that they're wrong, or voting for the wrong candidate just by something someone says in between shots during a game of Power Hour or while they're trying to beat Tom Morello in Guitar Hero. It's basically a fool's errand, so while my friends bicker incessantly about it, I kind of zone out and think about my own things, as I am so often wont to do in any situation that would require actual meaningful and serious thought.

Try as I might, though, I was unable to steer my mind completely away from the presidential election, and I got to thinking about something: John McCain's wife, Cindy, is probably the hottest 54 year-old woman I've ever seen, and that's saying something. I've seen a lot of women over 50 in my day, and I am not really an age matters kind of guy--it's just a number, right?

Then, I thought about how fucking goofy John McCain is. This lady is (or at least used to be) actually boning him. And she's hott. I know girls that would pay to take it in the ass from Carrot Top that wouldn't touch McCain's penis. It's just absurd. I'm not saying this guy wouldn't be a great president (he wouldn't), but based on looks and personality, he should be a real bottom feeder.

My question was, how can one of the foxiest cougars roaming planet earth be banging the poor man's Manchurian Candidate? A guy that is thirty years her senior nonetheless? First guess would be money, but I guess her family has a shitload of it, so she didn't need any more of that. (Apparently, her pops owns some big beer distributing company, so maybe she's just drunk all the time and doesn't care who she's fucking. People like that do actually exist.) So, I came to the conclusion that she had tied the knot with this ugly and pretty lame man because he was powerful. They married when he was a Senator and his aspirations to become the president before he reached the age of 90 probably slipped in somewhere during pillow talk.

I was disgruntled by this, but not for long. I mean, all my life I've known that money and power can ultimately get a great many women to like you and become attracted to you. I'm not saying all women are materialstic in this way, but some are. (Maybe some guys are, also, but it seems like we're a different shallow. We just scope out hottness initially and then let the chips fall where they may. It doesn't matter how fucking out of whack they are, at least at first, we just follow our cocks like idiots.)

Think about it: hottness is sometimes based on societal status and position.

Girls will say a certain person is good looking, and I'm pretty sure it's because of their fame. It kind of cloaks their judgement and makes them attracted to something they wouldn't normally be into. One huge example of this that comes to mind is Michael Cera. I constantly hear women talk about how sexy Michael Cera is, and how they'd love to date him. That's cool and all, he makes good movies (even though he is the exact same character in every one of them, like a young Ben stiller), but he's just not equipped with an ass chicks would be trying to wax if he was a no-name and they ran into him at a dance club. If he hadn't been in movies, girls would walk by him on the street and not even take a second glance. They might make fun of him for being a nerd and wearing courdorouys. But, he's famous, so his image gets skewed to attractive. One of my friends even said, "I'd love for him to be my boyfriend, even though things would probably be pretty awkward in the bedroom."

If you look around, instances of this are all around. I constantly hear girls asking Sidney Crosby to put it in their five-hole. If they saw Crosby walking down the street and he wasn't the savior of hockey in Pittsburgh, they probably wouldn't think a thing about him. This one may be a little inaccurate though, because he really is fucking sexy.

To really nail this home, I'd like to say that Chad Kroeger is probably not a virgin, and has probably banged girls hotter than I will ever even kiss on the cheek. Think about it. Chad Kroeger. Have you seen his fucking hair?? Alt-rock chicks dig him because he's rich and famous. Someone out there probably thinks he's attractive, just like some people out there think you can build a boat out of an oak tree, ball of yarn, and love.

This kind of thing happens in high school, too. Kids that play and excel at sports are found attractive at least partially for that reason. Believe me. So this starts young, and it'll probably keep starting younger, just like everything these days. Pretty soon third graders will be blowing rails off of their recess lady's ass, and girls will be digging boys who can launch one out of the park during a game of kickball (while yakked out, which is impressive).

Is there a solution to all of this? I think so. In fact, I came up with two.

The first is to change our government to a communist/socialist regime.

I know, I know, you're like "You fucking idiot. There's no way we're going at shit like those fucking Chinese. They make great food at an economical price but their government sucks even worse than ours does! What the fuck is wrong with you?

Well, hear me out. This regime would have to be like a real socialist one, where everyone has the same amount of everything and everyone works equally as hard as their counterparts. Basically, everyone would be on the same level of prosperity, and what not. So, girls would see guys as really physically and/or mentally attractive without anything else standing in their way.

I'm pretty confident that if this would've been set in motion 20 years ago, David Hasselhoff would never have gotten a girl in his life.

I'm not proposing this because I think that I'm some sexy dude who should be ramming on Mrs. McCain or Megan Fox or anything like that, but because I like to see a fair fight. I've gotten to know John Mccain from the shit he says to me on TV everyday to know that I know a lot better people than him--both in looks and substance--and they should be the ones that get first cracks at that cougar wife he's got.

Something like this will never happen, and many girls will remain materialistic. Far too many, actually. There will be women (and men) out there for eternity who search only for financial excess and security or a pretty face to make them happy for the rest of their lives. The little things will continue to mean next to nothing to some people, but I guess there will also be people who rely on the little things and the right things for pretty much everything. If you're one of those people (female), let me know. Especially if you like really little things. (I was, of course, referring to my cock just now).

My second solution of the problem is to get rich and famous.

Thursday, October 2, 2008

A Solution to all of our Problems as a Nation

I like to keep myself abreast about current events and issues, even if I don't always totally understand their significance or meaning. I just like to know so I can converse with people without sounding ignorant--though I'm sure most of the time I do, because it seems like us college kids only talk about the important issues when we're drunk and pretty much unable to spew out a coherent argument about anything at all.

There are three stories in particular that I've been following very closely. The first one is the current state of the economic crisis and how the government is preparing to make their first attempt to ratify it. Naturally, this kind of thing scares the piss out of me, because I'm not the kind of guy that can struggle through a depression. I like air conditioning and Internet (for pornographic reasons, mostly...referring to the internet, not air conditioning) way too much.

The next one is the discussions that have begun between college officials and other radical people out there who are lobbying for the legal drinking age to be changed to 18. At first, I was like "Hell, yeah, let's do that shit." Then, I got pissed because I've been flying under the radar with drinking since I was 14, and I really came out of my shell around 18 but have had to live in the drinking shadows until now, just over a month until my 21st birthday. Fuck those kids, they should suffer too, is what I thought. But, now, I've got to throw my hat in and say I'm for the drinking age changed to younger people, if only for the greater good. And there is a greater good. We will address that soon enough.

DISCLAIMER: This next run-on paragraph has nothing to do with the rest of this story. It's about the election, and if you're not that worried about it, don't read it. Fuck, if you are worried about it, still don't read it.
The third story is Senator McCain's pick for VP, Sarah Palin. This really doesn't have much significance to do with anything, she just makes me laugh and also makes me feel great because I'm probably smarter than the governor of Alaska, which is a pretty sweet place if you consider that Carlos Boozer and Trajan Langdon both came from there. If I became their Governor someday (maybe I'll take that woman's place if Maverick does win, but that'd be for naught since the country will go to Hell in the proverbial handbasket within a month of his election when people finally realize that he is in fact the Manchurian Candidate). I'm not a terribly political person, and I don't walk around shirtless with "Barack and Roll" buttons pinned through my nipples, but I do know a cheap trick and a stupid woman when I see one (the two often mean the same thing). If you're one of those people that say the VP doesn't matter, then fuck you. That's idiotic. Maybe they don't always matter so much, but they're the next person in line for the Presidency of the United States!! John McCain has already lived to be older than probably half of the people in America. To expect him to live four more years while doing the second most stressful job in the country (the first is working on any project with Andy Dick's stupid ass) is just stupid, and you cannot tell me that Palin would make a good president. Like Bill Maher said, she's more like a stewardess.

Now hear me out on this. I'm not a political or economical analyst, and I won't pretend to be, but I think I've got a tentative solution to this problem and a great deal of other problems that are plaguing America. Actually, this little idea I'm about to throw forth could very well solve most of America's problems, and it starts with the consumption of alcohol.

Sounds promising, right?

Okay. If you're in college as a freshman, sophomore, and probably the beginning of your junior year, you can't drink legally, which means you cannot buy it. You still get your hands on it, sure, but most of you can't find a way to make it happen every day of the week (because older kids will not buy it for you everyday), and you most certainly don't sit around your dorm room and drink a few beers while watching the hockey game, do you? No, when you get a chance to drink, you binge, right? More often than not, you'll go to a kegger, pay five dollars and just get wrecked, which is cool. I like that, but don't you think if it was legal, you'd probably do it every night, at least a little bit? Kids don't get so excited to do things to excess if they're allowed to actually do it (unless they suffer from alcoholism, which I don't think is really a disease, just a set of balls and an equal dose of apathy about things other than boozing), but they would be able to buy it on their own and do it whenever they want.

In these times that try mens' souls, facts must be faced. If you decrease the drinking age by three years, sales of alcohol will rise. Significantly, also, because college kids can drink more often than anyone else, because all we really do is pay for a bogus education that some of us really don't need in the first place. Things like that drive us to drink, and also alott the time to do such a thing constantly.

So, if we get the booze flowing into the mouths of the young legally, more money will be spent that, if proper legislation ensues, could very well go to the government to be distributed to stimulate the economy. I know this is very far-fetched, and the beer companies may lose a bit of a profit while we're pumping the former underagers weekly food budgets into the governments pockets to spend on liquidating mortgages or bailing out Morgan Stanley (who has two first names even though they're last names), but once everything's all straightened out, the booze makers will be profitting from an entire range of teenage drunkards. That's a win-win situation if I've ever heard of one. The only problem will be getting the alcohol distributors on board, because some of them are still feel a little slighted by the whole Prohibition thing back in the early 1900's.

Okay, I'm going to have to cut this a little bit short and provide more of an outline of my brilliant plan in the stead of a real good presentation, because I'm getting pretty drunk and won't be able to put together any good thoughts for a while. I don't think I'm really doing anything that out of the ordinary. Just pretend I'm the government.

Anyway, the young kids start drinking. Drinking makes people gain weight. We can somehow make an advertising campaign to endorse kids gaining weight, and make a muffin top the new definition of aesthetic beauty. Get them to drink heavy beer, because sometimes it's more expensive, and shit like that. Maybe we could do an ad campaign that tells them not to eat bad foods and drink beer, because then they'll do it. (If you've seen the ads about smoking pot, then you know that this will absolutely work with flying colors.)

Okay, so then kids will start to drink heavily constantly, and will probably die younger as a result. Eventually, this will solve the social security problem, along with the obesity problem. If it's hott, it's not a problem. Just ask Shia LeBouef. Dude can get a DUI and it's fine because he's cute, but if I got one my parents would string me up by the balls.

So, there you go. All we have to deal with now is Russia, North Korea, Iran and Pakistan. Oh, and Canada. The quiet kid is always planning something.