For the majority of my life, reality television has been a significant entity in the entertainment industry. The Real World, I believe, was the catalyst for all of this, and then when Survivor came out, it garnered more mainstream buzz for the budding genre. From there it has sky-rocketed, as millions of people world wide sit down every night to watch a show consisting of people that seem to be just like them that are given the chances to participate in privileged and unorthodox programs. Some of these are just people seemingly living their everyday lives while a crew of cameramen follow them everywhere.
Countless Americans regularly view reality TV programs,or at least I assume so since more and more keep debuting. So many have come out in the decade since their conception that it would take me an entire month to list them all.
Personally, I don't watch reality TV as much as probably the normal twenty year old, which I believe can be attributed slightly to the fact that I'm male (most of the shows marketed for my age group are directed towards women) but I've watched enough to form an opinion that there are a few problems with the shows, and these all interlock with one another.
Firstly, most reality TV shows are not, in essence, real. They're skewed so that they look as real as possible, but it doesn't take an honor roll student to recognize that a great deal of the situations that participants in these shows face are at least partially--if not completely--scripted.
Producers of MTV's The Real World have been under fire about this issue for years, and finally admitted that they would set up certain scenarios for the cast members to act out while they're on the show. This is something that was rather obvious, since younger people can watch the show and immediately realize that either all of these people are mentally insane in some way, or just totally irrational, and do not act the way that normal teenagers or college kids act.
I admit, I've pretty much stopped watching MTV, because they've become a reality TV network and are not at all clandestine about it. A station that is called Music Television shouldn't be cutting videos short on Total Request Live so that they can show a program that consists of eight potentially bi-curious men sitting in a bus waiting to get their crack at some d-list actress. Justin Timberlake is pissed about this, and rightly so. I am too. We agree on some things, like my previous statement and the belief that Jessica Biel should not be thrown out of bed for eating crackers. Ever.
Think about it. If I'd just come to this country from Iceland and was browsing my new digital cable set-up to get a peek at the new Spice Girls video that I'd been hearing so much about, I'd be mildly unsettled to come upon a show with an Asian woman who can't decide if she's gay, straight or bisexual. This absolutely has to be fixed. Who would want to try and marry a girl that didn't even know if she liked dudes or chicks and was experimenting with both while you knew about it? The most disconcerting concept of this show is it's name, Tila Tequila, which is supposedly the name of the sexually confused star. Tequila is not an Asian surname.
The shows on MTV that really bother me are Laguna Beach and it's equally popular spin-off, The Hills. The producers of these shows have admitted that they are not all truly non-fiction, that some of it is scripted and even re-shot. I don't enjoy reality television, but if I'm going to watch it, I want it to be what I'm told it is. I could watch the OC all day with no qualms at all, because I know that it's not billed as being based on real events, so I can become absorbed in it without sitting there and wondering whether or not the scene I saw actually happened (plus I'm weird and genuinely enjoy the show).
At first, whenever MTV started to be overrun with reality shows, one could switch to VH1. Then came Flavor of Love, I Love New York, and Rock of Love. I'll admit, I've watched a few episodes of these, and it took me a while before I became totally convinced that they were at least a little bit fake. I watched a few episodes of Rock of Love, but the ship really sailed for me whenever my friend's told me that Bret Michaels had attempted to become a polygamist in the series finale.
I do dig the show about Scott Baeo being a lifetime bachelor, though.
So, to put this all to an end, I'll revert back to my previous statements: I do not dig reality television. I watch TV to escape from reality, so the last thing I want to do is look at someone else's reality, especially if it's an exaggerated one.
Maybe I'll go back to just watching cartoons.
Monday, November 26, 2007
Sunday, November 4, 2007
I'd Go Gay for Tom Brady
Something has dawned on me tonight as I sit in my room and watch the New England Patriots take on the Indianapolis Colts: Tom Brady can do no wrong. This is an observation that has been floating around the back of my head for quite some time now, but I've fought it for the simple reason that I'm supposed to hate his team since I live in Pittsburgh and cheer for the Steelers (whose quarterback is, in my opinion, considerably less alluring than Brady. Or Jake Plummer for that matter.)
Think about it, it's a very logical thing to come by. Brady is one of those guys who has pulled himself up by his bootstraps, which is something every wannabe alpha male dreams to boast about one day. Sure, he was a starting quarterback at the prestigious University of Michigan, but he wasn't drafted by the Patriots until the sixth round of the draft, as the 199th overall selection. This was in 2000, when the Browns picked Courtney Brown first overall and the Redskins took LaVar Arrington second. As far as I know, neither one of these players is even playing in the league anymore, let alone leading their respective teams to numerous championships and undefeated seasons.
They both graduated from Penn State too...you know how I feel about that.
The first quarterback taken in this draft was Chad Pennington. I think the Jets would much rather have Brady at this point.
So, Brady has come from being a sixth round draft pick that would probably spend his entire short-lived career on the practice squad, driving a Ford Taurus and being recognized only by people who confused him for a Gucci model they saw in Vanity Fair to arguably the best quarterback of the past decade, with only Peyton Manning, Kordell Stewart, and Rex Grossman in his league.
He's led the Patriots to 3 Superbowl championships before his 28th birthday (an NFL record), and barring what would be considered a major upset is going to win his fourth in 2008, and his head hasn't swelled at all. Every week he says the same thing, something like, "We can play better...it was a good win...we have a long way to go...we didn't set out just to win ____ games..." He's extremely humble, not like Chad Johnson or Terrell Owens, two guys that have never, and most likely never will, win even one NFL championship.
Not only is he a scary good quarterback that seems to always make the right decisions, compete tenaciously, and win every week, he has also become the most well-known football player in the world off of the field. The dude won Esquire's best-dressed man of the year in 2007, and was recently honored by GQ as one of the best-dressed men of the last 50 years.
Tom stays fresh. He rolls into his post game press conferences wearing designer suits and ties with his hair in a part that he somehow pulls off. I'm convinced that no one else has since the late '50s. If I tried it, I'd look like Professor Snape, Tobey Macguire, or Lenny Smith circa 2006.
Most guys that dress as stylishly as Brady are referred to as metro sexual, but somehow he escapes that title. Maybe it has something to do with him playing the most macho and popular men's sport of all time, and has been knocked down by huge steroid-enhanced men. Men of a caliber that you will not find tackling people anywhere other than a football field or maximum security prisons.
Now, if you're talking about Brady--especially if you're praising him--you simply have to mention his inconceivable success with women. A lot of girls dig guys that are athletes, especially professional athletes. A lot of other girls are into humble guys that exude a certain self-confidence but don't reach into the realm of cockiness, guys that embarrass and work cocky men every weekend. Many other women are attracted to guys who dress well.
Case in point: pretty much every woman in the world could feasibly be attracted to Tom Brady, and for more than one reason.
I mean, look at his girlfriend:
That, my friends, is Giselle Bundchen. She is a model for Victoria's Secret, and is considered one of the hottest women alive. She is dating Tom Brady. Tom Brady gets to do things to this woman that countless forty year old men dream of doing everyday in the bathroom as they look through the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue or their wife's Victoria's Secret catalog.
What I'm trying to say is that Tom Brady lives a life that many, if not all, men can and are envious of. I wouldn't mind being him, that's for sure.
Oh, and they won tonight. He had three touchdown passes. His press conference is going on right now. He is wearing a suit, and just said that the Colts are "a damn good team." Now he's rambling on about how great his teammates are. What a guy.
November's Man Crush of the Month: Tom Brady.
Think about it, it's a very logical thing to come by. Brady is one of those guys who has pulled himself up by his bootstraps, which is something every wannabe alpha male dreams to boast about one day. Sure, he was a starting quarterback at the prestigious University of Michigan, but he wasn't drafted by the Patriots until the sixth round of the draft, as the 199th overall selection. This was in 2000, when the Browns picked Courtney Brown first overall and the Redskins took LaVar Arrington second. As far as I know, neither one of these players is even playing in the league anymore, let alone leading their respective teams to numerous championships and undefeated seasons.
They both graduated from Penn State too...you know how I feel about that.
The first quarterback taken in this draft was Chad Pennington. I think the Jets would much rather have Brady at this point.
So, Brady has come from being a sixth round draft pick that would probably spend his entire short-lived career on the practice squad, driving a Ford Taurus and being recognized only by people who confused him for a Gucci model they saw in Vanity Fair to arguably the best quarterback of the past decade, with only Peyton Manning, Kordell Stewart, and Rex Grossman in his league.
He's led the Patriots to 3 Superbowl championships before his 28th birthday (an NFL record), and barring what would be considered a major upset is going to win his fourth in 2008, and his head hasn't swelled at all. Every week he says the same thing, something like, "We can play better...it was a good win...we have a long way to go...we didn't set out just to win ____ games..." He's extremely humble, not like Chad Johnson or Terrell Owens, two guys that have never, and most likely never will, win even one NFL championship.
Not only is he a scary good quarterback that seems to always make the right decisions, compete tenaciously, and win every week, he has also become the most well-known football player in the world off of the field. The dude won Esquire's best-dressed man of the year in 2007, and was recently honored by GQ as one of the best-dressed men of the last 50 years.
Tom stays fresh. He rolls into his post game press conferences wearing designer suits and ties with his hair in a part that he somehow pulls off. I'm convinced that no one else has since the late '50s. If I tried it, I'd look like Professor Snape, Tobey Macguire, or Lenny Smith circa 2006.
Most guys that dress as stylishly as Brady are referred to as metro sexual, but somehow he escapes that title. Maybe it has something to do with him playing the most macho and popular men's sport of all time, and has been knocked down by huge steroid-enhanced men. Men of a caliber that you will not find tackling people anywhere other than a football field or maximum security prisons.
Now, if you're talking about Brady--especially if you're praising him--you simply have to mention his inconceivable success with women. A lot of girls dig guys that are athletes, especially professional athletes. A lot of other girls are into humble guys that exude a certain self-confidence but don't reach into the realm of cockiness, guys that embarrass and work cocky men every weekend. Many other women are attracted to guys who dress well.
Case in point: pretty much every woman in the world could feasibly be attracted to Tom Brady, and for more than one reason.
I mean, look at his girlfriend:
That, my friends, is Giselle Bundchen. She is a model for Victoria's Secret, and is considered one of the hottest women alive. She is dating Tom Brady. Tom Brady gets to do things to this woman that countless forty year old men dream of doing everyday in the bathroom as they look through the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue or their wife's Victoria's Secret catalog.
What I'm trying to say is that Tom Brady lives a life that many, if not all, men can and are envious of. I wouldn't mind being him, that's for sure.
Oh, and they won tonight. He had three touchdown passes. His press conference is going on right now. He is wearing a suit, and just said that the Colts are "a damn good team." Now he's rambling on about how great his teammates are. What a guy.
November's Man Crush of the Month: Tom Brady.
Friday, November 2, 2007
Other Things I Have Learned
*If you haven't read the previous entry, do that first.
I was talking to my eldest brother about things that I've learned, and realized that I've learned much more than I have labeled. This is obvious, but some have come to mind that I feel as though I should absolutely mention. Especially my first one, because he said that's the best one he's read.
-I've learned that gays are usually very funny people, and the same with Jewish people. I've also observered that homosexual Jews are the funniest people I have ever heard or read (David Sedaris, David Rakoff). I suspect this is for the simple reason that joking and laughter are the most logical defense mechanism for people who are constantly getting fucked over or ripped on, and no one gets it worse than gay jews.
-If you play a sport in high school, more power to you. I have a couple of tips though. When high school is over, put your letter jacket away. If you're not good enough to play in college, that's that, I'll give you the benefit of the doubt and assume you're a white dude that could cut it on the varsity level but has no real athletic ability. It's happened to the best of us (I played for two weeks and realized that I wasn't that great), but just because it has doesn't mean that you have to treat intramural sports like the 1996 Summer Olympics. This means no UnderArmour allowed, because you lose the right to wear that for football, basketball, or track and field after you end your varsity career (to clear up some questions, it is still allowed for table tennis).
-Sarah Silverman is not funny. At all. Somehow I don't think Jimmy Kimmel could do much better, though.
-If you're a janitor, you should get fucked up every day before work.
-There's no reason to lift weights if you don't play sports. Girls really don't choose their boyfriends due to abs or biceps. I know this because my amount of female suitors did no diminish when I acquired mono during my freshman year of college and lost 15 pounds of muscle in two weeks.
-David Hasselhoff should be pissed on.
Shaquille O'Neal is a douchebag.
-Steve Nash and Steven Colbert are on two opposite sides of a spectrum, but are two of the raddest dudes alive.
- Fuck the state pen, fuck hoes at Penn State.
-Kanye West is better than 50 Cent, but Lloyd Banks has recorded the greatest lines in hip-hop history: "I think losers are mad 'cause I'm flossin' bad, I ain't a wrestler, but I'll put your bitch in the Boston Crab."
-The Boston Celtics will win the Eastern Conference this year.
-Jonathan Papelbon is a white boy that can dance, his neck is red, he puts miracle whip on his wonderbread.
-NASCAR is fucking stupid.
-This sounds unbelievably cheesy, but it is possible to fall in love with a girl's smile. It's rare, but it happens.
-Italians are extremely proud, but of what I don't know. Apparently nothing. Maybe they're glad that they were dictated by Mussolini for a while, or because they believe that they invented ravioli (in reality it was Chef Boyardi, and he's as American as Stephen Colbert).
-BoyzIIMen are unbelievable, and so is Mariah Carey. They collaborated on the song "One Sweet Day," which is unarguably the greatest song about death ever recorded.
-Dogs really are man's best friend.
-There are two sides to every story. This is why there are so many mothers and fathers that hate boys that their daughters have dated.
-Global Warming is a myth, or it is at least overstated.
-General Education classes are a money-making ploy by the college you attend.
-The world is not as bad as it seems.
I was talking to my eldest brother about things that I've learned, and realized that I've learned much more than I have labeled. This is obvious, but some have come to mind that I feel as though I should absolutely mention. Especially my first one, because he said that's the best one he's read.
-I've learned that gays are usually very funny people, and the same with Jewish people. I've also observered that homosexual Jews are the funniest people I have ever heard or read (David Sedaris, David Rakoff). I suspect this is for the simple reason that joking and laughter are the most logical defense mechanism for people who are constantly getting fucked over or ripped on, and no one gets it worse than gay jews.
-If you play a sport in high school, more power to you. I have a couple of tips though. When high school is over, put your letter jacket away. If you're not good enough to play in college, that's that, I'll give you the benefit of the doubt and assume you're a white dude that could cut it on the varsity level but has no real athletic ability. It's happened to the best of us (I played for two weeks and realized that I wasn't that great), but just because it has doesn't mean that you have to treat intramural sports like the 1996 Summer Olympics. This means no UnderArmour allowed, because you lose the right to wear that for football, basketball, or track and field after you end your varsity career (to clear up some questions, it is still allowed for table tennis).
-Sarah Silverman is not funny. At all. Somehow I don't think Jimmy Kimmel could do much better, though.
-If you're a janitor, you should get fucked up every day before work.
-There's no reason to lift weights if you don't play sports. Girls really don't choose their boyfriends due to abs or biceps. I know this because my amount of female suitors did no diminish when I acquired mono during my freshman year of college and lost 15 pounds of muscle in two weeks.
-David Hasselhoff should be pissed on.
Shaquille O'Neal is a douchebag.
-Steve Nash and Steven Colbert are on two opposite sides of a spectrum, but are two of the raddest dudes alive.
- Fuck the state pen, fuck hoes at Penn State.
-Kanye West is better than 50 Cent, but Lloyd Banks has recorded the greatest lines in hip-hop history: "I think losers are mad 'cause I'm flossin' bad, I ain't a wrestler, but I'll put your bitch in the Boston Crab."
-The Boston Celtics will win the Eastern Conference this year.
-Jonathan Papelbon is a white boy that can dance, his neck is red, he puts miracle whip on his wonderbread.
-NASCAR is fucking stupid.
-This sounds unbelievably cheesy, but it is possible to fall in love with a girl's smile. It's rare, but it happens.
-Italians are extremely proud, but of what I don't know. Apparently nothing. Maybe they're glad that they were dictated by Mussolini for a while, or because they believe that they invented ravioli (in reality it was Chef Boyardi, and he's as American as Stephen Colbert).
-BoyzIIMen are unbelievable, and so is Mariah Carey. They collaborated on the song "One Sweet Day," which is unarguably the greatest song about death ever recorded.
-Dogs really are man's best friend.
-There are two sides to every story. This is why there are so many mothers and fathers that hate boys that their daughters have dated.
-Global Warming is a myth, or it is at least overstated.
-General Education classes are a money-making ploy by the college you attend.
-The world is not as bad as it seems.
Things I've Learned
The end is near. As I sit here on this Friday night at around 7:30, I begin to deal with the stunning fact that I have three days and four more nights before I am no longer considered a teenager. This frightens me to no end, for the simple fact that until now I have used my youth and status as a teenage boy as my excuse for basically everything. Why I was so irresponsible, so lazy, so naive, so laid back, so unambitious, and so afraid of committing to absolutely anything, namely girls (which has thankfully changed recently).
Now, I'm all out of excuses, and I have no juvenile title anymore. I will soon be stuck in a terrible age range, which would be the space between 19 (when you can drink in Canada), and 21 (when you can drink in my homeland). I won't say that 20 is the most insignificant birthday of one's youth, but it is of no real benefit to anyone.
So, I'm going through a quarter life crisis, a little bit early, but it makes sense to me. 20's a quarter of the way to 80, and I'll consider myself inordinately lucky if I live even that long, especially if I continue forth with my current lifestyle.
I could bore you with all kinds of things dealing with my age and how depressing it is, and how long of a year it will be while I wait to become a true adult and reap the benefits of non-closet binge drinking, but I don't want to dwell on things like that. Instead, I'm going to mimick a segment of Esquire magazine called "Things I've Learned." It's in the publication monthly, and they have an older famous man list some things that he has learned through his life. Here are some of the things that I have learned.
-There are people out there who spitefully make fun of people that have never wronged them in any way because they are mentally slow, physically disabled, fat, fashionably inept, or poor. When you ask these people why they do this, they will say something like "Because it's funny," and they will maintain that. They probably even tell themselves that. I have learned that these people truly suffer from a low self-esteem, and do these things to make themselves feel better. They jeer their victims about things they are unable to control, only because they themselves are not clever enough to joke with someone on a level playing field.
-People are evil (see above)
-Drew Barrymore will never make a good movie, Nickelback will never make a good album, Dane Cook will never be funny again, and Andy Dick will just flat out never be funny.
-Osama Bin Laden was the most evasive hide & seek player to ever step foot in Al Qaeda Elementary School.
-Radical Islam is so totally stupid, and it could not be more obvious. There is no god that would shoot you up to heaven and give you 50 virgins to hump because you blew yourself up in a shopping mall full of people you have never met in your entire fucking life. Maybe if you'd have killed Hitler during World War II, you would get some ass once you ascend, but not innocent people who are simply different than you religiously speaking.
-Much to my chagrin, Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, Tooth Fairy, Witches (except Ann Coulter, Nancy Pelosi, and a few that should probably go unnamed), Wizards, and the Loch Ness Monster do not exist. Oprah, however, does.
-Some people hate their peers for no particular reason without ever meeting them or even conversing with them. It's one thing for someone to hate you for who you are, as long as they do indeed know who you are, and if that is the case you're obviously not going to cater your personality to their standards.
-You can't allow yourself to be bothered with people that fit into the above category.
-Most negative reputations are not entirely true, and are pioneered by people that are either angry at you for something you've done to them or someone close to them, or are just flat out jealous of you. Take my good friend Mark Ferguson for example. If I believed everything I heard, I'd think the kid was not really a kind-hearted, respectful, and downright hilarious individual. He has always told me that "Jealousy makes a hater hate," and I've learned how true that is.
-"Ignorance is bliss" is a very relative cliche. It applies if a particularly unsavory character has just masterbated in your bathroom five minutes before you enter to take a shit; it does not apply if your girlfriend is taking it in the ass from your best friend while you are on a business trip in Tokyo.
-You can be as independent as you want, but family is still unfathomably important.
-Rural and suburban White men should not attempt to dance like the characters in Stomp the Yard, or You Got Served. There's a reason that we are not named Omarrion.
-The written word is going out of style. Nobody reads newspapers or buys books anymore. In a nutshell, all of my aspirations for a career are utterly fucked.
-Alcoholism isn't a disease that is passed from generation. It is a mindset.
-Drinking is not as bad as some people make it out to be.
-Many areas of many religions make very little or no sense to me, but I am not as enlightened as some people.
-There are some arguments that can never be won.
-George W Bush blew a chance to be one of the most respected and revered Presidents of all time.
-Brett Favre is one of the most respected and revered quarterbacks of all time.
-Kordell Stewart threw a hail mary once when he was in college playing for Colorado, a college football program that would have their reputation tarnished forever for allegedly sexually assaulting a female kicker (a marketing scheme gone wrong, I'd say).
-The Democratic party sucks. The Republican party sucks. Political parties are very biased and unnecessary.
-Every pacifist that plays music and writes things like "this guitar will bring peace," and "whatever it takes" on their axes is extremely arrogant. Protest songs are all good and well, but nobody that's in charge gives a fuck about them, if they even listen to them at all. Neil Young is awesome, I love his music and his ideas, but he has not had a significant effect on anything. This is a sad thing, because it shows that the youth is not as ready to rally behind ringleaders like this and to stand up for what they believe in as they were in the sixties and seventies. My generation is extremely apathetic.
-Laughter is an absolute necessity for anyone and everyone if they want to establish any semblance of happiness. The world would, I sincerely believe, be an empty place not worth inhabiting if it was not for jokes and laughter. Though I may not be adept at telling them, I am not inept when it comes to enjoying them.
-The envelope must be pushed in order to convince people to listen to you. There's an edge that you must teeter on to make any kind of difference in the world.
-There are no worse character traits than cockyness or self-righteousness. Well, I guess urge to murder or sodomize children outdo that, but in the realm of normality the first two are the worst.
-I will always be an extremely light sleeper.
-Peter Pan had it all figured out.
-There are a great deal of people out there who boast that they take no shit from anyone, and then clam up when their mother yells at them because they left their skateboard outside and their chihuahua attempted to eat and digest their "Hillary in '08" political button.
-My parents really did usually know best.
-Coaches that want to be your friend are great, and coaches that try to run your life are terrible human beings whose wives run their household so they must rebuild their masculation at racquetball practice.
-Spanish is a really fucking confusing language, and anyone that is bilingual should get some kind of medal.
-You won't appreciate any kind of happiness until you've known some sadness.
-If something's bothering you or weighing you down, it's not always something you have to pour your heart out to everyone about.
-Communism looks great on paper, but would never work out in reality because it always converts into a dictatorship.
-I'm scared that when Hunter S. Thompson said that "I have a theory that the truth is rarely told during the 9 to 5 hours," he was absolutely correct.
-There are a lot of racists in the world.
-People should not bitch about Hurricane Katrina. Where one lives is a free choice, and if you opt to live in a PORT CITY that is BELOW SEA LEVEL, you are actually asking for it. If you're supposed to evacuate, go, and if you don't, don't blame it on the people that are supposed to help you. Your life and your possessions are no one's responsibilities other than your own, unless the government owns your housing, and then you have no reason to complain about anything because you'd have been homeless to begin with.
-Every dream you have will not come true. That's why they're dreams. They're an escape from the monotony of real life. I used to dream that I would play in the NBA as a basketball player, but the reality of it is that I'm white, slow, and flat-out not that good. Then, I would dream that I would write a movie script in high school that would propel me into Hollywood where I would have Johnny Depp and Jessica Alba play in my movie, and we would have a three-some. When someone tells you to believe in your dreams, take it with a grain of salt, unless your dreams are totally realistic, which makes them not dreams at all. Right?
-Going against everything I have ever said or stood for, girls are not that bad. Having a girlfriend is not that bad. It's actually enjoyable.
-Karma is real.
-It is O.K. to cry.
-Fate does not exist. Fate is the way that you choose to live your life.
-Everyone makes mistakes, it's how you make up for them that matters.
-Part of me will be a teenager forever.
-All of me will never take this life seriously, and I will take myself even less seriously. "Don't take life too seriously, you'll never make it out anyway" explains it all.
-It's time to actually do something with myself. Just what, I can not tell you. I'm going to start with this bottle of rum next to me, and we will go from there.
Mahalo.
Now, I'm all out of excuses, and I have no juvenile title anymore. I will soon be stuck in a terrible age range, which would be the space between 19 (when you can drink in Canada), and 21 (when you can drink in my homeland). I won't say that 20 is the most insignificant birthday of one's youth, but it is of no real benefit to anyone.
So, I'm going through a quarter life crisis, a little bit early, but it makes sense to me. 20's a quarter of the way to 80, and I'll consider myself inordinately lucky if I live even that long, especially if I continue forth with my current lifestyle.
I could bore you with all kinds of things dealing with my age and how depressing it is, and how long of a year it will be while I wait to become a true adult and reap the benefits of non-closet binge drinking, but I don't want to dwell on things like that. Instead, I'm going to mimick a segment of Esquire magazine called "Things I've Learned." It's in the publication monthly, and they have an older famous man list some things that he has learned through his life. Here are some of the things that I have learned.
-There are people out there who spitefully make fun of people that have never wronged them in any way because they are mentally slow, physically disabled, fat, fashionably inept, or poor. When you ask these people why they do this, they will say something like "Because it's funny," and they will maintain that. They probably even tell themselves that. I have learned that these people truly suffer from a low self-esteem, and do these things to make themselves feel better. They jeer their victims about things they are unable to control, only because they themselves are not clever enough to joke with someone on a level playing field.
-People are evil (see above)
-Drew Barrymore will never make a good movie, Nickelback will never make a good album, Dane Cook will never be funny again, and Andy Dick will just flat out never be funny.
-Osama Bin Laden was the most evasive hide & seek player to ever step foot in Al Qaeda Elementary School.
-Radical Islam is so totally stupid, and it could not be more obvious. There is no god that would shoot you up to heaven and give you 50 virgins to hump because you blew yourself up in a shopping mall full of people you have never met in your entire fucking life. Maybe if you'd have killed Hitler during World War II, you would get some ass once you ascend, but not innocent people who are simply different than you religiously speaking.
-Much to my chagrin, Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, Tooth Fairy, Witches (except Ann Coulter, Nancy Pelosi, and a few that should probably go unnamed), Wizards, and the Loch Ness Monster do not exist. Oprah, however, does.
-Some people hate their peers for no particular reason without ever meeting them or even conversing with them. It's one thing for someone to hate you for who you are, as long as they do indeed know who you are, and if that is the case you're obviously not going to cater your personality to their standards.
-You can't allow yourself to be bothered with people that fit into the above category.
-Most negative reputations are not entirely true, and are pioneered by people that are either angry at you for something you've done to them or someone close to them, or are just flat out jealous of you. Take my good friend Mark Ferguson for example. If I believed everything I heard, I'd think the kid was not really a kind-hearted, respectful, and downright hilarious individual. He has always told me that "Jealousy makes a hater hate," and I've learned how true that is.
-"Ignorance is bliss" is a very relative cliche. It applies if a particularly unsavory character has just masterbated in your bathroom five minutes before you enter to take a shit; it does not apply if your girlfriend is taking it in the ass from your best friend while you are on a business trip in Tokyo.
-You can be as independent as you want, but family is still unfathomably important.
-Rural and suburban White men should not attempt to dance like the characters in Stomp the Yard, or You Got Served. There's a reason that we are not named Omarrion.
-The written word is going out of style. Nobody reads newspapers or buys books anymore. In a nutshell, all of my aspirations for a career are utterly fucked.
-Alcoholism isn't a disease that is passed from generation. It is a mindset.
-Drinking is not as bad as some people make it out to be.
-Many areas of many religions make very little or no sense to me, but I am not as enlightened as some people.
-There are some arguments that can never be won.
-George W Bush blew a chance to be one of the most respected and revered Presidents of all time.
-Brett Favre is one of the most respected and revered quarterbacks of all time.
-Kordell Stewart threw a hail mary once when he was in college playing for Colorado, a college football program that would have their reputation tarnished forever for allegedly sexually assaulting a female kicker (a marketing scheme gone wrong, I'd say).
-The Democratic party sucks. The Republican party sucks. Political parties are very biased and unnecessary.
-Every pacifist that plays music and writes things like "this guitar will bring peace," and "whatever it takes" on their axes is extremely arrogant. Protest songs are all good and well, but nobody that's in charge gives a fuck about them, if they even listen to them at all. Neil Young is awesome, I love his music and his ideas, but he has not had a significant effect on anything. This is a sad thing, because it shows that the youth is not as ready to rally behind ringleaders like this and to stand up for what they believe in as they were in the sixties and seventies. My generation is extremely apathetic.
-Laughter is an absolute necessity for anyone and everyone if they want to establish any semblance of happiness. The world would, I sincerely believe, be an empty place not worth inhabiting if it was not for jokes and laughter. Though I may not be adept at telling them, I am not inept when it comes to enjoying them.
-The envelope must be pushed in order to convince people to listen to you. There's an edge that you must teeter on to make any kind of difference in the world.
-There are no worse character traits than cockyness or self-righteousness. Well, I guess urge to murder or sodomize children outdo that, but in the realm of normality the first two are the worst.
-I will always be an extremely light sleeper.
-Peter Pan had it all figured out.
-There are a great deal of people out there who boast that they take no shit from anyone, and then clam up when their mother yells at them because they left their skateboard outside and their chihuahua attempted to eat and digest their "Hillary in '08" political button.
-My parents really did usually know best.
-Coaches that want to be your friend are great, and coaches that try to run your life are terrible human beings whose wives run their household so they must rebuild their masculation at racquetball practice.
-Spanish is a really fucking confusing language, and anyone that is bilingual should get some kind of medal.
-You won't appreciate any kind of happiness until you've known some sadness.
-If something's bothering you or weighing you down, it's not always something you have to pour your heart out to everyone about.
-Communism looks great on paper, but would never work out in reality because it always converts into a dictatorship.
-I'm scared that when Hunter S. Thompson said that "I have a theory that the truth is rarely told during the 9 to 5 hours," he was absolutely correct.
-There are a lot of racists in the world.
-People should not bitch about Hurricane Katrina. Where one lives is a free choice, and if you opt to live in a PORT CITY that is BELOW SEA LEVEL, you are actually asking for it. If you're supposed to evacuate, go, and if you don't, don't blame it on the people that are supposed to help you. Your life and your possessions are no one's responsibilities other than your own, unless the government owns your housing, and then you have no reason to complain about anything because you'd have been homeless to begin with.
-Every dream you have will not come true. That's why they're dreams. They're an escape from the monotony of real life. I used to dream that I would play in the NBA as a basketball player, but the reality of it is that I'm white, slow, and flat-out not that good. Then, I would dream that I would write a movie script in high school that would propel me into Hollywood where I would have Johnny Depp and Jessica Alba play in my movie, and we would have a three-some. When someone tells you to believe in your dreams, take it with a grain of salt, unless your dreams are totally realistic, which makes them not dreams at all. Right?
-Going against everything I have ever said or stood for, girls are not that bad. Having a girlfriend is not that bad. It's actually enjoyable.
-Karma is real.
-It is O.K. to cry.
-Fate does not exist. Fate is the way that you choose to live your life.
-Everyone makes mistakes, it's how you make up for them that matters.
-Part of me will be a teenager forever.
-All of me will never take this life seriously, and I will take myself even less seriously. "Don't take life too seriously, you'll never make it out anyway" explains it all.
-It's time to actually do something with myself. Just what, I can not tell you. I'm going to start with this bottle of rum next to me, and we will go from there.
Mahalo.
Monday, October 8, 2007
RA's...
"It's quiet hours," "Your music is too loud," "Open your fridge for me," "You have too many people in here," etc.
If you have been in college and lived in a dormitory, especially as a freshman, and are a person that likes to have fun from time to time, you probably have heard at least one of these compliments. If not, something resembling it, and you'll also know who knocked on your door and said it: an RA.
For those of you who don't know, RA is short for Resident Assistant. RA's live in on-campus college dormitories, and are supposed to basically keep the peace between students and enforce all of the rules of the dormitory. Mainly, in my eyes, they're there, especially in freshmen dorms, to regulate the alchohol ban. If you wanted to drink in my dorm last year, you had to be stealth. Bottles were a big risk (that's how I got caught...bottle clanging and a pretty boisterous game of Moose), and if you wanted to do a power hour you were better off using a fucking stopwatch.
As it works where I go to school, one RA would be on duty for the entire dorm per night, and they would stroll the halls making sure that everything was peaceful and quiet. The rules have to be enforced by someone, I guess, since apparently 18 and 19 year olds that have just been unleashed in the world to live on their own tend to go a little crazy. I understand that these gratified babysitters is obviously a necessary evil, and I respect that. In fact, it doesn't really even have to be an evil even, because RAs start their job with a chance to be reasonable and cool towards their floor and dormitory. We can compare the reasonable RAs to that babysitter you used to have that would let you watch TGIF until 10 and let you fill the bathtub up with as much water as your little heart desired.
Now, in my experience, there are two types of RAs. The first type is the kind that I had the most experience with , since the two RAs that were in charge of my floor during freshman year were very approachable and lenient; these guys only punished kids when it was an absolute necessity. If they were disturbing other kids on the floor with their noise or actually seriously damaging something. They'd talk to you, and they actually kind of became friends with me and my fellow tenants. These were the guys that you could tell were RAs for the economical reasons. They got free housing, free food, and maybe some other benefits that they needed because they couldn't afford to pay 2,500 dollars a month to live in a box. They were only interested in damage control and keeping the job that they actually needed. I wish there was some way that the panel in charge of appointing Resident Assistants could select only these people for the job, but sometimes it's easy to hide your true self. Especially if you're a douche bag.
And, I guess we'll call the second type of RA the douche bags. RAs have--if you can really call it that--power, and when people get power, they either treat it as they should, or they abuse it. The douche bags do just that.
You know those rent-a-cops that you see at football games that are always trying to be enforcers? Those are RAs that didn't make it into college.
I wouldn't be surprised if these guyswere RAs for the power, not the monetary reasons. These are the guys that would knock on your door every night and tell you to quiet down, quiet hours or not. They would sit outside of the door with their ear against it, listening to you (like fucking Richard Nixon), just waiting for you to say the word "beer." You might think I'm exaggerating, but this happened to my friends that lived in another dormitory last year. Their RA is, I'm pretty sure, the ring-leader of all douche bag RAs on the Behrend campus. He's at the forefront of power tripping and unnecessary punishment to get himself off. It's disgusting, really, and something oughta be done.
This particular guy I've been basically bashing has had a hard-on for a few of my best friends and me since last year (we'll call him T. Chevy). It started on our first night of college (when he was creeping around the halls trying to bust kids before the year even started), my roommate and I were in my friend's room when he was on duty. To make a long story short, I overdid it with my consumption a little bit, because it was, you know, the first fucking night of college. It's like a right-of-passage. Anyway, I guess I stumbled out of their room, and he told me to stop and leave the door open, so that he could bust everyone in the room. My roommate and I ran for it, me back to my building and him to the bathroom for a simulated thirty minute long shit. He busted the rest of my friends, but they refused to give up the name of my roommate and I. They would not budge, and we eventually got away with it after they had a few meetings. All chargers were dropped, or whatever you want to call it.
This continued later that year, when we were in a dodge ball tournament. We were playing my dorm hall against his dorm hall, in fittingly the Battle of the Halls. My friends and I won, and this dude got so into it (he was wearing fucking Under Armour, skin tight, which I think might be against any and all intramural regulations. You lose the privilege to wear something like that after you finish playing high school sports.), he was complaining to the refs and stuff, it was kinda weird. Anyway, that was it for that year, and I figured it'd be over. Actually I think some of my friends were in a car and saw him and called him a "fucking faggot," which probably didn't help bury any hatchets.
I was thinking about all of this because we had another confrontation with him today, when we were at an intramural flag football game. We lost the game. It happens. We were leaving the field, and our boy Chevy was waiting to play after us. As we were walking away he started saying demeaning things to one of my best friends. We immediately started laughing, which just angers people more, so he tried to say some more. He made an ass out of himself, and we loved it. The best insult he got out was something about my friend wearing a shirt with a sleeve cut off. We, however, cut up on him pretty good. Ferg got off some good insults about wearing Under Armour, which sounds lame now, but you had to be there. It was good.
Ok, that whole ramble right there had nothing to do with my thesis at all, but it felt great to be able to say things to this power-abusing nobody, since he can no longer punish us. We live off of campus, and are away from his pale red-head grasp. Fuck that guy.
Anyway what I'm getting at through all of this is that kids are getting the short end of the stick when they enter college to live on campus. It's not at all fair for someone to have to deal with a cretin like T. Chevy that's only pleasure in life comes from intramural sports and catching kids with banned blenders in their dorm rooms. I know I'm not a really cool person, and that I'm writing this just kind of bashing someone when they cant' really say anything back, but I'll give him his opportunity sometime, the next time he heckles one of my friends.
If you have power, especially such a petty power as those that come with being an RA, don't abuse it. Use it how you should use it, to keep things in order without being tastelessly excessive. Be like Superman, not Kim Jong-il.
If you have been in college and lived in a dormitory, especially as a freshman, and are a person that likes to have fun from time to time, you probably have heard at least one of these compliments. If not, something resembling it, and you'll also know who knocked on your door and said it: an RA.
For those of you who don't know, RA is short for Resident Assistant. RA's live in on-campus college dormitories, and are supposed to basically keep the peace between students and enforce all of the rules of the dormitory. Mainly, in my eyes, they're there, especially in freshmen dorms, to regulate the alchohol ban. If you wanted to drink in my dorm last year, you had to be stealth. Bottles were a big risk (that's how I got caught...bottle clanging and a pretty boisterous game of Moose), and if you wanted to do a power hour you were better off using a fucking stopwatch.
As it works where I go to school, one RA would be on duty for the entire dorm per night, and they would stroll the halls making sure that everything was peaceful and quiet. The rules have to be enforced by someone, I guess, since apparently 18 and 19 year olds that have just been unleashed in the world to live on their own tend to go a little crazy. I understand that these gratified babysitters is obviously a necessary evil, and I respect that. In fact, it doesn't really even have to be an evil even, because RAs start their job with a chance to be reasonable and cool towards their floor and dormitory. We can compare the reasonable RAs to that babysitter you used to have that would let you watch TGIF until 10 and let you fill the bathtub up with as much water as your little heart desired.
Now, in my experience, there are two types of RAs. The first type is the kind that I had the most experience with , since the two RAs that were in charge of my floor during freshman year were very approachable and lenient; these guys only punished kids when it was an absolute necessity. If they were disturbing other kids on the floor with their noise or actually seriously damaging something. They'd talk to you, and they actually kind of became friends with me and my fellow tenants. These were the guys that you could tell were RAs for the economical reasons. They got free housing, free food, and maybe some other benefits that they needed because they couldn't afford to pay 2,500 dollars a month to live in a box. They were only interested in damage control and keeping the job that they actually needed. I wish there was some way that the panel in charge of appointing Resident Assistants could select only these people for the job, but sometimes it's easy to hide your true self. Especially if you're a douche bag.
And, I guess we'll call the second type of RA the douche bags. RAs have--if you can really call it that--power, and when people get power, they either treat it as they should, or they abuse it. The douche bags do just that.
You know those rent-a-cops that you see at football games that are always trying to be enforcers? Those are RAs that didn't make it into college.
I wouldn't be surprised if these guyswere RAs for the power, not the monetary reasons. These are the guys that would knock on your door every night and tell you to quiet down, quiet hours or not. They would sit outside of the door with their ear against it, listening to you (like fucking Richard Nixon), just waiting for you to say the word "beer." You might think I'm exaggerating, but this happened to my friends that lived in another dormitory last year. Their RA is, I'm pretty sure, the ring-leader of all douche bag RAs on the Behrend campus. He's at the forefront of power tripping and unnecessary punishment to get himself off. It's disgusting, really, and something oughta be done.
This particular guy I've been basically bashing has had a hard-on for a few of my best friends and me since last year (we'll call him T. Chevy). It started on our first night of college (when he was creeping around the halls trying to bust kids before the year even started), my roommate and I were in my friend's room when he was on duty. To make a long story short, I overdid it with my consumption a little bit, because it was, you know, the first fucking night of college. It's like a right-of-passage. Anyway, I guess I stumbled out of their room, and he told me to stop and leave the door open, so that he could bust everyone in the room. My roommate and I ran for it, me back to my building and him to the bathroom for a simulated thirty minute long shit. He busted the rest of my friends, but they refused to give up the name of my roommate and I. They would not budge, and we eventually got away with it after they had a few meetings. All chargers were dropped, or whatever you want to call it.
This continued later that year, when we were in a dodge ball tournament. We were playing my dorm hall against his dorm hall, in fittingly the Battle of the Halls. My friends and I won, and this dude got so into it (he was wearing fucking Under Armour, skin tight, which I think might be against any and all intramural regulations. You lose the privilege to wear something like that after you finish playing high school sports.), he was complaining to the refs and stuff, it was kinda weird. Anyway, that was it for that year, and I figured it'd be over. Actually I think some of my friends were in a car and saw him and called him a "fucking faggot," which probably didn't help bury any hatchets.
I was thinking about all of this because we had another confrontation with him today, when we were at an intramural flag football game. We lost the game. It happens. We were leaving the field, and our boy Chevy was waiting to play after us. As we were walking away he started saying demeaning things to one of my best friends. We immediately started laughing, which just angers people more, so he tried to say some more. He made an ass out of himself, and we loved it. The best insult he got out was something about my friend wearing a shirt with a sleeve cut off. We, however, cut up on him pretty good. Ferg got off some good insults about wearing Under Armour, which sounds lame now, but you had to be there. It was good.
Ok, that whole ramble right there had nothing to do with my thesis at all, but it felt great to be able to say things to this power-abusing nobody, since he can no longer punish us. We live off of campus, and are away from his pale red-head grasp. Fuck that guy.
Anyway what I'm getting at through all of this is that kids are getting the short end of the stick when they enter college to live on campus. It's not at all fair for someone to have to deal with a cretin like T. Chevy that's only pleasure in life comes from intramural sports and catching kids with banned blenders in their dorm rooms. I know I'm not a really cool person, and that I'm writing this just kind of bashing someone when they cant' really say anything back, but I'll give him his opportunity sometime, the next time he heckles one of my friends.
If you have power, especially such a petty power as those that come with being an RA, don't abuse it. Use it how you should use it, to keep things in order without being tastelessly excessive. Be like Superman, not Kim Jong-il.
Sunday, September 30, 2007
Favre 4 President
Today I got to see Brett Farve break Dan Marino's coveted record for most NFL touchdown passes thrown by a quarterback in the history of the league. This was a pretty big triumph, and I've always considered myself a fan of Favre. Not only can the man play the sport and throw a ball like pretty much no one I've ever seen (except maybe Peyton Manning), but he also comes off as a really cool dude. I'd like to hang out with him.
While I was thinking on my admiration for the man, I thought about John Madden, as I always do. Madden has a love for Favre that I think can only be paralleled by the quarterback's wife and children. So, anytime I think about Madden, I think about Frank Caliendo, the comedian that flawlessly imitates Madden. He uses Madden's comments and liking of Favre as the central part for many of his jokes about the aging color commentator, and it's fucking hilarious.
One thing that Caliendo often says when he's impersonating Madden is that, "Brett Favre should run for president." Now, I know this is a joke, of course, and I don't think that Caliendo or Madden truly believe that he should run for President of the United States of America. It seems like a preposterous notion.
But do you know what? I think he should go for it.
There's obviously an election coming up in 2008, and there's a diverse spackling of candidates this year. It's very plausible that our country could have it's first movie/television star since Ronald Reagan (Fred Thompson of Law and Order or the legendary Christopher Walken), it's first black president (Barak Obama), Mormon president (Mitch Romney), or female president (Hilary Clinton, in which case I will relocate to the land of Alanis Morrisette and Steve Nash). Why not a professional football quarterback? Gerald Ford played quarterback for the University of Michigan, and as far as I know he didn't fuck anything up too bad.
There are a number of plausible reasons for why I think that Favre would make a great president. Seriously.
He's obviously a great leader. He's become famous for being an unselfish and unpretentious man and player; basically he is all about the team, which is something you don't see as often as you used to in professional sports. I'm not saying that he'd be a communist if he was a president, but I'm saying that he definitely would not be a dictator. He would listen to opinions and change his agenda accordingly, I think, which is a quality that many argue our current president has not been blessed with. I can't really comment on that, since I've never stated an opinion for the man, but I feel like Favre would listen to me when I told him that women should be able to legally vote when they reach the age of 18 (I know this has already come about, but I needed an example).
I also think that Favre may be able to manage the war pretty effectively. This starts with my previous statements, that he would listen to opinions and act accordingly, maybe finding some kind of compromise between what the opinions of all parties and people may be. If it was deemed necessary to actually win the war in Iraq, I think Favre might be able to effectively do that. I don't want to compare war victories to football victories at all, because I know that they are nothing alike and I could piss off a lot of people by doing something so ignorant, but I will say that Favre is used to winning and has a pension for it, maybe more than any other president. Bush, for example, has only owned the Texas Rangers, and in case you don't know baseball too well, they suck.
Another big issue in our country is the people's anger and resentment concerning the current administration's reaction when Hurricane Katrina ravaged New Orleans. Bush and his people have been on the receiving end of some extremely rough criticism over this whole issue, many of it racially and socially motivated. It's no secret that many of this nation's citizens feel that they did not react quickly enough in aiding the people that were stuck in the floods and storm because the majority of them were lower-class black citizens. Rapper Kanye West has gone on record as saying that, "George Bush doesn't care about black people." Maybe he does, maybe he doesn't. I haven't asked the man, and I wasn't in New Orleans before, during, or after that natural disaster, and I don't watch Spike Lee documentaries.
What I do know, is that Brett Favre cares about black people, because Brett Favre cares about everybody, due to his selflessness and willingness to be of aid to anyone, including those with heartburn (Priolosec OTC!). If you've ever seen Favre's usual celebration after throwing a touchdown pass, you know that he sprints to the endzone and picks up the player on the receiving end of the pass and literally carries him around on his back. All of his receivers are black, so if there was a disaster, I think it's safe to say that Favre would carry all of us on his back, including black people.
Those are just a few of the reasons that I think Brett Favre should be president, and I could go on with a few more. Maybe I will as election time draws nearer, but right now I must go watch The Notebook with some of my friends.
Brett Favre, September's Man-Crush of the month.
While I was thinking on my admiration for the man, I thought about John Madden, as I always do. Madden has a love for Favre that I think can only be paralleled by the quarterback's wife and children. So, anytime I think about Madden, I think about Frank Caliendo, the comedian that flawlessly imitates Madden. He uses Madden's comments and liking of Favre as the central part for many of his jokes about the aging color commentator, and it's fucking hilarious.
One thing that Caliendo often says when he's impersonating Madden is that, "Brett Favre should run for president." Now, I know this is a joke, of course, and I don't think that Caliendo or Madden truly believe that he should run for President of the United States of America. It seems like a preposterous notion.
But do you know what? I think he should go for it.
There's obviously an election coming up in 2008, and there's a diverse spackling of candidates this year. It's very plausible that our country could have it's first movie/television star since Ronald Reagan (Fred Thompson of Law and Order or the legendary Christopher Walken), it's first black president (Barak Obama), Mormon president (Mitch Romney), or female president (Hilary Clinton, in which case I will relocate to the land of Alanis Morrisette and Steve Nash). Why not a professional football quarterback? Gerald Ford played quarterback for the University of Michigan, and as far as I know he didn't fuck anything up too bad.
There are a number of plausible reasons for why I think that Favre would make a great president. Seriously.
He's obviously a great leader. He's become famous for being an unselfish and unpretentious man and player; basically he is all about the team, which is something you don't see as often as you used to in professional sports. I'm not saying that he'd be a communist if he was a president, but I'm saying that he definitely would not be a dictator. He would listen to opinions and change his agenda accordingly, I think, which is a quality that many argue our current president has not been blessed with. I can't really comment on that, since I've never stated an opinion for the man, but I feel like Favre would listen to me when I told him that women should be able to legally vote when they reach the age of 18 (I know this has already come about, but I needed an example).
I also think that Favre may be able to manage the war pretty effectively. This starts with my previous statements, that he would listen to opinions and act accordingly, maybe finding some kind of compromise between what the opinions of all parties and people may be. If it was deemed necessary to actually win the war in Iraq, I think Favre might be able to effectively do that. I don't want to compare war victories to football victories at all, because I know that they are nothing alike and I could piss off a lot of people by doing something so ignorant, but I will say that Favre is used to winning and has a pension for it, maybe more than any other president. Bush, for example, has only owned the Texas Rangers, and in case you don't know baseball too well, they suck.
Another big issue in our country is the people's anger and resentment concerning the current administration's reaction when Hurricane Katrina ravaged New Orleans. Bush and his people have been on the receiving end of some extremely rough criticism over this whole issue, many of it racially and socially motivated. It's no secret that many of this nation's citizens feel that they did not react quickly enough in aiding the people that were stuck in the floods and storm because the majority of them were lower-class black citizens. Rapper Kanye West has gone on record as saying that, "George Bush doesn't care about black people." Maybe he does, maybe he doesn't. I haven't asked the man, and I wasn't in New Orleans before, during, or after that natural disaster, and I don't watch Spike Lee documentaries.
What I do know, is that Brett Favre cares about black people, because Brett Favre cares about everybody, due to his selflessness and willingness to be of aid to anyone, including those with heartburn (Priolosec OTC!). If you've ever seen Favre's usual celebration after throwing a touchdown pass, you know that he sprints to the endzone and picks up the player on the receiving end of the pass and literally carries him around on his back. All of his receivers are black, so if there was a disaster, I think it's safe to say that Favre would carry all of us on his back, including black people.
Those are just a few of the reasons that I think Brett Favre should be president, and I could go on with a few more. Maybe I will as election time draws nearer, but right now I must go watch The Notebook with some of my friends.
Brett Favre, September's Man-Crush of the month.
Friday, September 21, 2007
We Just Draw Dicks To Pass The Time
I was sitting in Introduction to Meteorology earlier this week, which is obviously one of my classes. Even though my professor is hilarious and I am vaguely interested with the class, I still have a hard time paying attention. I attribute this to the face that it is a science class, a subject that I have no skill in or patience for. When I have trouble paying attention, I usually participate in things that are going to be of no benefit to anyone, and I try to be funny, but like Carlos Mencia, rarely succeed.
So on this particular afternoon, I was sitting in my seat in the back of the room trying to figure out how to draw a fucking isopleth so that I wouldn't fail the quiz that I have to take about eleven hours from right now. I quickly became bored and zoned out, and thought about resting my head on my arm and taking a quick nap (which always results in me twitching myself awake and falling off of my desk which sends everyone around me into fits of laughter and taunting), but realized that I wasn't as tired as I normally was.
I searched my immediate vicinity for something that I could possibly entertain myself with. I thought about getting a book out of my bag, but apparently people don't read books anymore and I would be chuckled at by my roommate, who happened to be sitting right next to me. So, then I thought about sending out a text message, but to whom? I couldn't think of anyone or anything to say, so I mentally drew a line through that idea.
Then, fate (or something, I don't know if I believe in fate. Talk to Mike Buesink about this, he'll give you a good argument that will quickly turn into something unbelievably irrelevant to the subject at hand.) intervened. My friend Kayla, who sits one row to the right of me and one desk up, grabbed her planner out of her backpack--probably to mark down that we had a quiz on Friday. I did no such thing. I keep it all up in the noggin.
She jotted her note down, and then dropped the planner on top of her backpack, that was sitting on the ground beside her chair. It was plainly exposed, and I counted to 50-Mississippi before I made my move. I slyly reached down and snatched her planner from on top of her bag.
I got out my black pen and wondered what I should write in her notebook, which is a stupid thing to say, because you and I both know that I had it in my head what I was going to draw as soon as I hatched my plan to snag the planner.
Naturally, I drew cocks.
Now, for those of you who do not know what a "cock" is, I'll list a definition and some synonyms. A cock is the male sex organ. It is commonly referred to as: dick, dong, shlong, wang, purple-headed yogurt slinger (courtesy of James Van Der Beek), the octagon (Brian Fantana), weiner, mushroom head, lighthouse, and if you want to be politically correct, penis. There are many others, feel free to let me know if you have any creative ones that I haven't listed, or something cool I don't even know about.
I drew cocks all over September 21, 20, and 19th.
So, after this random act of nonviolence, my rommate and I shared some laughs, and then he took the planner and drew more dicks on it. We laughed some more, because we are unfathomably immature 19-year-olds.
If you're wondering, they looked kind of like this:
Later on that day I started to think about why I had drawn penises all over my friend's planner. Apparently she plays basketball, and her coach looks at her planner every week. She plays girls basketball too, and her coach is a woman. This means that she's a lesbian. I wondered how she would react, or if she would know what they were. I began to take solace in the fact that I had written, "nuclear missile" next to one of them. I thought maybe she'd just think and Iranian or North Korean had gotten a hold of her star shooting guard's weekly planner.
I couldn't come up with a viable reason for why I had drawn weins on her planner. There was no real good reason, and this bothered me. I then wondered why every guy from the age of like 12 to at least...well I don't know how long it lasts, loves to draw the male anatomy all over everything. There is absolutely no plausible reason for something like this to take place. My roommate and I lived in a dormitory last year, and we tried to put a dry erase board up outside of our room door so that we could have a quote of the day. It was there one night, and the next morning there were 36 dicks drawn on it. What good did that do anyone?
One night this past summer, I passed out at a sleepover with a few of my friends (you know, we were playing chess and scrabble and watching season one of The Hills), and I woke up the next morning there were at least 20 cocks drawn on my body with purple marker. I'm sure it was funny at the time, but was it really worth it? I mean, they laughed about it for probably about ten minutes, but beyond that all it did was make me sprint into my house the next morning so that I could reach the bathroom for an hour long shower scrubbing before my parents saw me and thought that I was some kind of freak.
There was also that phase in high school, where you'd have to wash your car every three days, because if it got at all dirty, there would be cocks finger-drawn all over it whenever you came out to the student parking lot after basketball practice.
Then there was the amazing movie, Superbad. They talked about the dick-drawing thing being a disease, but they gave erroneous information. The character in the movie said that, "It's not a big deal. Something like 8 percent of kids do it." That is not true. At least not among the people that I hang out with. It's more like 98 percent of the kids that I know. One could argue that it's the crowd I hang out with, since they are some unorthodox dudes, but I don't buy it. There were countless kids on my dormitory floor that I'm absolutely positive carried around dry erase markers in their jean pockets just so they could draw meat sticks on unsuspecting boards.
Anyway, this has been bothering me all week. I want to know why kids, guys especially, are so into drawing penises on everything. It seems like it might be unhealthy, and I've thought about quitting the habit. I think it might be harder than stopping nicotine, though, because every time I see blank spaces on pieces of paper, I want to get a thick pointed Sharpie and just go to town. All I need is some justification for drawing weiners on things. If anybody has any input to this, please let me know. I haven't been sleeping, it's been driving me insane.
This is worse than the time I spent a whole week trying to figure out why anybody likes Nickelback.
So on this particular afternoon, I was sitting in my seat in the back of the room trying to figure out how to draw a fucking isopleth so that I wouldn't fail the quiz that I have to take about eleven hours from right now. I quickly became bored and zoned out, and thought about resting my head on my arm and taking a quick nap (which always results in me twitching myself awake and falling off of my desk which sends everyone around me into fits of laughter and taunting), but realized that I wasn't as tired as I normally was.
I searched my immediate vicinity for something that I could possibly entertain myself with. I thought about getting a book out of my bag, but apparently people don't read books anymore and I would be chuckled at by my roommate, who happened to be sitting right next to me. So, then I thought about sending out a text message, but to whom? I couldn't think of anyone or anything to say, so I mentally drew a line through that idea.
Then, fate (or something, I don't know if I believe in fate. Talk to Mike Buesink about this, he'll give you a good argument that will quickly turn into something unbelievably irrelevant to the subject at hand.) intervened. My friend Kayla, who sits one row to the right of me and one desk up, grabbed her planner out of her backpack--probably to mark down that we had a quiz on Friday. I did no such thing. I keep it all up in the noggin.
She jotted her note down, and then dropped the planner on top of her backpack, that was sitting on the ground beside her chair. It was plainly exposed, and I counted to 50-Mississippi before I made my move. I slyly reached down and snatched her planner from on top of her bag.
I got out my black pen and wondered what I should write in her notebook, which is a stupid thing to say, because you and I both know that I had it in my head what I was going to draw as soon as I hatched my plan to snag the planner.
Naturally, I drew cocks.
Now, for those of you who do not know what a "cock" is, I'll list a definition and some synonyms. A cock is the male sex organ. It is commonly referred to as: dick, dong, shlong, wang, purple-headed yogurt slinger (courtesy of James Van Der Beek), the octagon (Brian Fantana), weiner, mushroom head, lighthouse, and if you want to be politically correct, penis. There are many others, feel free to let me know if you have any creative ones that I haven't listed, or something cool I don't even know about.
I drew cocks all over September 21, 20, and 19th.
So, after this random act of nonviolence, my rommate and I shared some laughs, and then he took the planner and drew more dicks on it. We laughed some more, because we are unfathomably immature 19-year-olds.
If you're wondering, they looked kind of like this:
Later on that day I started to think about why I had drawn penises all over my friend's planner. Apparently she plays basketball, and her coach looks at her planner every week. She plays girls basketball too, and her coach is a woman. This means that she's a lesbian. I wondered how she would react, or if she would know what they were. I began to take solace in the fact that I had written, "nuclear missile" next to one of them. I thought maybe she'd just think and Iranian or North Korean had gotten a hold of her star shooting guard's weekly planner.I couldn't come up with a viable reason for why I had drawn weins on her planner. There was no real good reason, and this bothered me. I then wondered why every guy from the age of like 12 to at least...well I don't know how long it lasts, loves to draw the male anatomy all over everything. There is absolutely no plausible reason for something like this to take place. My roommate and I lived in a dormitory last year, and we tried to put a dry erase board up outside of our room door so that we could have a quote of the day. It was there one night, and the next morning there were 36 dicks drawn on it. What good did that do anyone?
One night this past summer, I passed out at a sleepover with a few of my friends (you know, we were playing chess and scrabble and watching season one of The Hills), and I woke up the next morning there were at least 20 cocks drawn on my body with purple marker. I'm sure it was funny at the time, but was it really worth it? I mean, they laughed about it for probably about ten minutes, but beyond that all it did was make me sprint into my house the next morning so that I could reach the bathroom for an hour long shower scrubbing before my parents saw me and thought that I was some kind of freak.
There was also that phase in high school, where you'd have to wash your car every three days, because if it got at all dirty, there would be cocks finger-drawn all over it whenever you came out to the student parking lot after basketball practice.
Then there was the amazing movie, Superbad. They talked about the dick-drawing thing being a disease, but they gave erroneous information. The character in the movie said that, "It's not a big deal. Something like 8 percent of kids do it." That is not true. At least not among the people that I hang out with. It's more like 98 percent of the kids that I know. One could argue that it's the crowd I hang out with, since they are some unorthodox dudes, but I don't buy it. There were countless kids on my dormitory floor that I'm absolutely positive carried around dry erase markers in their jean pockets just so they could draw meat sticks on unsuspecting boards.
Anyway, this has been bothering me all week. I want to know why kids, guys especially, are so into drawing penises on everything. It seems like it might be unhealthy, and I've thought about quitting the habit. I think it might be harder than stopping nicotine, though, because every time I see blank spaces on pieces of paper, I want to get a thick pointed Sharpie and just go to town. All I need is some justification for drawing weiners on things. If anybody has any input to this, please let me know. I haven't been sleeping, it's been driving me insane.
This is worse than the time I spent a whole week trying to figure out why anybody likes Nickelback.
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