I like to keep myself abreast about current events and issues, even if I don't always totally understand their significance or meaning. I just like to know so I can converse with people without sounding ignorant--though I'm sure most of the time I do, because it seems like us college kids only talk about the important issues when we're drunk and pretty much unable to spew out a coherent argument about anything at all.
There are three stories in particular that I've been following very closely. The first one is the current state of the economic crisis and how the government is preparing to make their first attempt to ratify it. Naturally, this kind of thing scares the piss out of me, because I'm not the kind of guy that can struggle through a depression. I like air conditioning and Internet (for pornographic reasons, mostly...referring to the internet, not air conditioning) way too much.
The next one is the discussions that have begun between college officials and other radical people out there who are lobbying for the legal drinking age to be changed to 18. At first, I was like "Hell, yeah, let's do that shit." Then, I got pissed because I've been flying under the radar with drinking since I was 14, and I really came out of my shell around 18 but have had to live in the drinking shadows until now, just over a month until my 21st birthday. Fuck those kids, they should suffer too, is what I thought. But, now, I've got to throw my hat in and say I'm for the drinking age changed to younger people, if only for the greater good. And there is a greater good. We will address that soon enough.
DISCLAIMER: This next run-on paragraph has nothing to do with the rest of this story. It's about the election, and if you're not that worried about it, don't read it. Fuck, if you are worried about it, still don't read it.
The third story is Senator McCain's pick for VP, Sarah Palin. This really doesn't have much significance to do with anything, she just makes me laugh and also makes me feel great because I'm probably smarter than the governor of Alaska, which is a pretty sweet place if you consider that Carlos Boozer and Trajan Langdon both came from there. If I became their Governor someday (maybe I'll take that woman's place if Maverick does win, but that'd be for naught since the country will go to Hell in the proverbial handbasket within a month of his election when people finally realize that he is in fact the Manchurian Candidate). I'm not a terribly political person, and I don't walk around shirtless with "Barack and Roll" buttons pinned through my nipples, but I do know a cheap trick and a stupid woman when I see one (the two often mean the same thing). If you're one of those people that say the VP doesn't matter, then fuck you. That's idiotic. Maybe they don't always matter so much, but they're the next person in line for the Presidency of the United States!! John McCain has already lived to be older than probably half of the people in America. To expect him to live four more years while doing the second most stressful job in the country (the first is working on any project with Andy Dick's stupid ass) is just stupid, and you cannot tell me that Palin would make a good president. Like Bill Maher said, she's more like a stewardess.
Now hear me out on this. I'm not a political or economical analyst, and I won't pretend to be, but I think I've got a tentative solution to this problem and a great deal of other problems that are plaguing America. Actually, this little idea I'm about to throw forth could very well solve most of America's problems, and it starts with the consumption of alcohol.
Sounds promising, right?
Okay. If you're in college as a freshman, sophomore, and probably the beginning of your junior year, you can't drink legally, which means you cannot buy it. You still get your hands on it, sure, but most of you can't find a way to make it happen every day of the week (because older kids will not buy it for you everyday), and you most certainly don't sit around your dorm room and drink a few beers while watching the hockey game, do you? No, when you get a chance to drink, you binge, right? More often than not, you'll go to a kegger, pay five dollars and just get wrecked, which is cool. I like that, but don't you think if it was legal, you'd probably do it every night, at least a little bit? Kids don't get so excited to do things to excess if they're allowed to actually do it (unless they suffer from alcoholism, which I don't think is really a disease, just a set of balls and an equal dose of apathy about things other than boozing), but they would be able to buy it on their own and do it whenever they want.
In these times that try mens' souls, facts must be faced. If you decrease the drinking age by three years, sales of alcohol will rise. Significantly, also, because college kids can drink more often than anyone else, because all we really do is pay for a bogus education that some of us really don't need in the first place. Things like that drive us to drink, and also alott the time to do such a thing constantly.
So, if we get the booze flowing into the mouths of the young legally, more money will be spent that, if proper legislation ensues, could very well go to the government to be distributed to stimulate the economy. I know this is very far-fetched, and the beer companies may lose a bit of a profit while we're pumping the former underagers weekly food budgets into the governments pockets to spend on liquidating mortgages or bailing out Morgan Stanley (who has two first names even though they're last names), but once everything's all straightened out, the booze makers will be profitting from an entire range of teenage drunkards. That's a win-win situation if I've ever heard of one. The only problem will be getting the alcohol distributors on board, because some of them are still feel a little slighted by the whole Prohibition thing back in the early 1900's.
Okay, I'm going to have to cut this a little bit short and provide more of an outline of my brilliant plan in the stead of a real good presentation, because I'm getting pretty drunk and won't be able to put together any good thoughts for a while. I don't think I'm really doing anything that out of the ordinary. Just pretend I'm the government.
Anyway, the young kids start drinking. Drinking makes people gain weight. We can somehow make an advertising campaign to endorse kids gaining weight, and make a muffin top the new definition of aesthetic beauty. Get them to drink heavy beer, because sometimes it's more expensive, and shit like that. Maybe we could do an ad campaign that tells them not to eat bad foods and drink beer, because then they'll do it. (If you've seen the ads about smoking pot, then you know that this will absolutely work with flying colors.)
Okay, so then kids will start to drink heavily constantly, and will probably die younger as a result. Eventually, this will solve the social security problem, along with the obesity problem. If it's hott, it's not a problem. Just ask Shia LeBouef. Dude can get a DUI and it's fine because he's cute, but if I got one my parents would string me up by the balls.
So, there you go. All we have to deal with now is Russia, North Korea, Iran and Pakistan. Oh, and Canada. The quiet kid is always planning something.
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