Wednesday, June 18, 2008

No Homo?

As something of a self-proclaimed next generation story-teller, I have quite the appreciation of slang. I use that shit, and I abuse it. I latch onto a hip word of phrase and subsequently beat it to death within two weeks. I quote lines from movies like they're going out of style, until, finally they do go out of style.

I use the phrase "sick" totally out of context so often that it's become a despicable habit. I might say something to my friends like, "Dude, Conor Oberst is the sickest song writer since, like, Bob Dylan." If you're over the age of, say, twenty-five and weren't particularly into Mr. Dylan, you might think that I mean that Bob Dylan was already dead as a result of tuberculosis, and that Oberst was going to soon follow him because of a severe allergic reaction he had to shellfish and/or peanut butter whilst on tour.

If you do happen to be young and hip (or, say, not unlike myself) you probably know that what I really mean is that Conor Oberst is the greatest or best songwriter since Bob Dylan. (This, of course, is arguable. Chances are you've never heard of Oberst or his band Bright eyes, and if that's the case then you probably like Chad Kroeger and Nickelback. If that is indeed a little bit more down your alley, then substitute Kroeger with Oberst and Brett Michaels with Bob Dylan and you'll have basically the same scenario. If you decide to go this route, after switching the names, close this window and never read anything I like again, because Nickelback is almost as terrible and un-creative as Oprah Winfrey.)

That's slang for you, right there, and it's been around for generations. People saying that something was "groovy" in the '70s wasn't exactly part of the scholarly vocabulary, but everyone knows what it means. The same with someone saying that they "dig" something. When taken in a literal sense, it makes absolutely none, but with the proper knowledge of slang it's easily understandable and reusable.

Now, as a scholar of slang terms, I hate it when a phrase or term comes about that is absolutely awful, and I hate even more when people start to use it in every other sentence. Examples of this would be the phrase "I know, right?" said in a valley girl tone, or anything repeated from the movie Napoleon Dynamite. Phrases from the movie Borat are also beginning to fall into this category, which hurts me deeply because that was a film of rare comedic genius. But, it's just like anything else: if you hear someone scream "Very niiiiiicccceeee" in a Kazegi--wherever the fuck he's from accent for the six millionth time, it begins to grind on your very psyche. Just like if I hear that Rihanna song about sharing umbrellas on the radio one more time I will have high-efficiency earplugs installed in my canals for the rest of eternity.

Another instance of this--I know, you get the point, but bear with me--is the term "Party like a rockstar." I thought I was finally done with this, but just yesterday (against my better judgment) I was watching MTV and saw a special show. It was Sean Kingston's Super Sweet 18th birthday. He must have used this term three million times, and I wanted to just scream through the monitor that he should shut the fuck up. He was making an entrance onto a private island from a fucking yacht. I've never seen any footage of The All-American Rejects doing that. Just let that one go.

Now, the term that's recently come to my attention and has immediately begun to wear on me is "No Homo." I hear this at least twice a day, whether it's on television or with someone I'm conversing with.

It's quite possibly the worst slang term to come into existence in the last ten years, and I was just going to put an exception here, but I can't think of any. And I'm declaring a mission to extricate it from Urban Dictionary and from the mouths of all of this nation's youth.

For those of you who aren't in the know about No homo, you should first of all be thankful. But, if you're going to fight a war against terrible and overused slang, you must first know and acknowledge your enemy. I learned this from Tom Cruise in The Last Samurai before he turned into a total fuckhead (his coming out party was on Oprah's show, nonetheless) and completely cock-blocked Dawson and stole his childhood love.

"No homo" is a term used when a supposedly heterosexual alpha male says something that could be construed as gay, either before or after he utters the offending sentence. For example, a guy could say something like "I can't believe I just swallowed all of that!" He would then immediately say "No homo!" so that his colleagues realize that he's not really gay and didn't mean to sound that way. What a silly boy. Another would be a man saying to his friend, "No homo, but damn Drew, I saw you in the showers and you're hung like a damn Clydesdale!"

You know, things of that nature.

Now I'm worried for a few reasons about this, and I will list some of them now:

1.) If you feel a need to prove your masculinity so much, you should never, at any point, talk to your friend about how big his junk is, and you especially should not compare it to the biggest species of horse in all of creation. If you're really an alpha male, you should be swinging a large enough bat to point to center field for a home run whenever you damn well please, and if you're not, you shouldn't draw attention to others that far outdistance (and quite possible even outweigh...it's Physics) your own genitalia. Word like that spreads around pretty fast I think, and if you become the public relations coordinator for your friends jackhammer, then he'll be beating off chicks lined up down the street with a broom, his weiner or both, while you'll be reduced to writing sonnets in order to even get a consideration for a prom date.
--Sidenote: I'm astounded with the amount of synonyms for the penis that I used in that paragraph. I'm not even going to say no homo, because this is the beastly male part of this rant, and masculine men have no need for it.

2.) Sexual confusion can happen. Using the term "No homo" can only further this confusion. Think about it for a second. Do you honestly believe that Neil Patrick Harris knew that he was gay during his adolescent years while he was starring on Doogie Howser, Kid MD? No, he probably didn't. He was awash in women during those years and was probably too wrapped up trying to bang the entire Mickey Mouse Club that he didn't even know he was gay until he'd used up all of the women and encountered Justin Timberlake. He probably also started saying fruity things, you know, they might just pop out of nowhere, which may have led to the confusion that eventually let him accept that he was one of the coolest gay dudes to ever have lived, if not one of the most comedic. If "No homo" was around then, and he could use it in every instance that he made an unintentionally inappropriate quip concerning a stethoscope or tongue depressor, he might still be questioning his sexuality. This confusion should be avoided, because honestly, there's nothing wrong with being a homosexual. These days, there is no shame in it at all, as far as I see. It doesn't bother me and it doesn't bother anyone, unless you're rooming with the kid and he finds you extremely attractive, which I don't think really happens. I'm pretty sure gay people are attracted to other gay people for the most part, but I'm not sure. I'll have to research that and get back to you.
This can also work on the other side of the spectrum. We've all heard of those guys who get married, have kids and then figure out that they were gay the entire time. Like one day they wake up and realize that they really dig dudes, and decide to move to San Francisco, leaving their wife and six children ranging from ages two to ten in the dust so that they can go swingin'. What the fuck do you say to your spouse? "Sorry honey, but I've jumped fences. I'm going to Cali to explore the disco clubs and maybe get married to a man someday. I guess when I get a job at Pottery Barn I'll start sending child support checks. Believe me, this is for the best, and you can tell our oldest, but I'd probably wait until Sue is at least potty trained to let her know the good news. I hope we can still be friends, Will and Grace really had something going, don't you think?" With the up-and-coming "No homo," less and less men will be able to accept their sexuality before settling down with women when they deep down don't want to but aren't truly aware of it.
Take, for instance, Pete Wentz. I know that right now Jessica Simpson is down in the dumps because her little sister is married and happy and she can't even hold onto Tony Romo. She'll feel a lot better when she finds out in a couple of years that Wentz successfully "No homo'd" Ashleey Simpson into a high profile marriage.

3.) My last reason is that this new slang is just totally unnecessary. It's not at all needed in the trendy and comedic canon of vocabulary. I've tried for the last hour to think of a time when I would need to use "No homo," but haven't thought of one instance where it can't be substituted with one of the most hilarious and creative slang phrases of this generation or any other, which would be: THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID.


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