Fortune Cookies

Allow me to preface this by stating that I absolutely love Chinese food, and I eat it a lot; probably more than is healthy, necessary, or even rational. I tend to believe that this stems from the affection for chicken that has been instilled in me my for as far back as I can remember. In my opinion, nobody gets more creative with chicken than the people who work for American-based Chinese food outlets.

(Here's the part where everyone's thinking or making some smart-assed remark about how Chinese restaurants really serve dogs and cats instead of chicken. Do me a favor, and stop it with that shit. Please. You and I both know that it's extremely played out, and not even remotely true. I think I know the difference between a chicken and a beagle, especially when one or the other is in my mouth, and I have never eaten Kung Pao Shiloh in my life. Wow. Do you see how passionate I am about Chinese food? I'm even going to bat for an ethnicity and culture I am not in any way affiliated with and don't even remotely understand...they seem to like strange cartoons over there a little too much. This is a sign that I either really stand up for what I believe in, or I really like food way too much. You can decide.)

Anyway, I order Chinese a lot, and they bring it right to my door. All I do is sign a slip of paper and they give me a brown paper bag filled with all sorts of delightful things. As far as eating a meal goes, the only way I think it could get any better would be if they included in that bag a little sugary thing shaped like a boomerang that has a little piece of paper in it that has a wise saying printed on it in red letters.

Actually, they do have that, and it's called a fortune cookie. So, it can't really get any better. The way I see it, these are supposed to give you a fortune that tells you about something that's going to happen to you eventually. This used to be how it was, back in the day, but it seems like now I get them and they just have stupid sayings that don't even mention anything about what will become of your life in the future. This angered me, because everytime I get Chinese food, I expect to be knocked out of my fucking seat by some extremely philosophical sentence about what my desiny ultimately holds (I have admittedly high expectations). Eventually, it got to the point where I just stopped opening them, because I would get all excited about what was inside, and I would always be disappointed. It was a feeling akin to when you would get a mini football helmet keychain out of those coin machines in front of grocery stores and end up with a team you hated.

So, I'd just get my food, throw the fortune cookies into a drawer in our kitchen, and forget about them. I have no idea why I didn't throw them away, but I didn't. Probably because I'm kind of a pack rat. Today i was looking for a bag of chips that I could crush up and put in Spencer's shoes or a can of sardines I could put into his bedroom's heating vent for no good reason, and I found the cookies. Since I have nothing better to do than fuck with my roommate, I decided to open and read all of the cookie, and attempt to analyze them and deduce whether or not they meant anything to my life. Some of them were just stupid sayings, but some did try their best to predict things, and I did my best to figure out if they had happened or not, and if so, in what respect and way they had happened.

I figured I'd type them out here, because again, I apparently have a lot of time on my hands. Believe it or not, there are twenty of them. I don't have a frying pan with a handle, but I do have an abundance of fortune cookies.

This is probably going to be a huge waste of your time, and you probably won't get anything out of it. If this is something that bothers you, just stop reading and do something productive, like watching Oprah or indulging in psychadelic drugs. Do both at the same time, even. I'm not one to judge. Anyway, you can't say I didn't warn you.

The happiest circumstances are close to home: This makes a certain amount of sense to a lot of people, because I guess most people dig being home. To be honest, my hometown is extremely dull and rural, so the only reason I really like to go home is to see my family and the small amount of people I still keep in touch with from the area.

That's not to say that home is without its happy circumstances though, because what I normally do when I'm at home is sit around drinking and watching television. Basically, I get to live the American dream of any man over the age of 40, except I don't wear wife beaters or have a child to run and get his old man another Budweiser from the fridge.

I guess I also get happy when I'm at home because my family is more fun to fuck with than anybody I go to school with. Believe me when I tell you it's a lot more fun to wake your mother up with an airhorn than it is to wake up a roommate.

The first blow does not fell the tree: I laughed at this one a little bit, because I'm still not mature enough to not say "that's what she said" when I read anything that has the word blow in it. On a serious note, though, this does seem like a little bit of a sexual innuendo, though I can't really figure out what it is. My best guess would be that it's trying to tell me that I'm not a premature ejaculator. Strike one against accurate fortunes written in fortune cookies. It's already beginning to occur to me that I'm not very good at analyzing these things.

Don't be afraid to smile, you never know who's falling in love with it!: I'm not sure if this one really applies to me, because I don't think I was frightened to smile even when I had braces. I think it's mostly just a natural reaction, and not something that most people consciously think about--which is why I sometimes look like a big douche bag when I'm told to smile for a picture.

But, I do admit that smiles are very nice to look at, and you can probably fall in love with them. As long as it's not the only thing you fall in love with. I've never heard anyone say they got married because of their spouse's uncanny ability to grin. That might not be the best foundation for a long-term relationship, but I think it's safe to say I'm not the msot qualified person for advice on such things.

But I do like smiling. It's my favorite.

Do you believe? Endurance and persistence will be awarded: This one's vague, and kind of weird. It's like a question, then there's a little bit of advice that is not in any way affiliated with the question that precedes it. I'm very confused by this. I don't know what I'm supposed to believe in, per se, but I think persistence is probably rewarded, at least sometimes. I believe that whoever is writing these things is probably wasted and just spewing out random thoughts. Reading these is like hearing Jim Rome talk.

:) Good news will come to you from far away :) : Those smiley faces were absolutely on there. I didn't add them for flavor.

This one is one of the few that actually gives someone a fortune and sticks to the roots of what fortune cookies are supposed to be about, which leads me to believe that I received a cookie that is at least five years old, because they don't make 'em like this anymore.

Stunningly, this one actually has come true for me. I've gotten a lot of good news from far away locations lately, and I feel pretty fortunate about it. Probably the funniest good news though has come in the form of a monetary check. Allow me to explain.

In the months leading up to my spring break I was approaching financial ruin, and was desperate to find a way to make some money that I could use to pay for my trip to Florida. Some of my friends and I were sitting around and watching some television one evening when we saw a commercial for Cash4Gold.com. I realized that somewhere around my house I had a ring that I had given my ex-girlfriend when we were together, and had no idea what I was going to do with it.

So, naturally, I sent it to Cash4Gold's headquarters and they mailed me a check for it. That check was good news from a far away location (they're located in California).

I sold the ring I bought my ex-girlfriend on Cash4Gold.com, and it paid my gas fees to get to and from Florida! Tell me I shouldn't be on one of those commercials.

Live in THIS moment: Back to advice instead of fortunes, but I don't really mind. This is a pretty solid little slip of paper, and I'm all about living in the moment. The only thing I don't particularly understand is how they expect people to live in the moment in which they typically open a fortune cookie, which would be after finishing their Chinese. I don't know about you, but that's one of the few times that I really look to the past and wish I was there; and by past I mean the 10 minutes prior when I was actually eating some lo mein. The only time I'm satisfied with living in the moment immediately after eating Chinese is when I have an abundance of left-overs in the refrigerator.

Now is a great time to broaden your scope of influence: Yeah, that should be really fucking easy, since I'm looking to work professionally as a journalist for a newspaper or magazine. In case you aren't really in the know, publications are folding all over the country, the economy is in its worst shape since the depression, and nobody reads anymore. God, if I want to influence anyone, I'm going to have to write a book about teenaged vampires or the intense companionship I have with my dog. I can't do the latter, because I eat so much Chinese, and we all know that the Chinese kill dogs and serve them, right? So I don't really care that much about dogs, apparently. (See, I told you. That shit is not even close to funny. Point made). Or I'll have to start a blog or something, and blogs are for little bitches.

Do your best to make it happen: For some reason this makes me think of me with my hand on Lenny's shoulder, gazing deeply into his eyes and giving him a pep talk that could ultimately result in him making the two-backed beast with a female. If this is a fortune, I really hope it comes true soon.

The true sign of intelligence is not knowledge but imagination: Two things about this.

1) I must be the smartest kid in the world if the true sign of intelligence is based on imagination. I'm writing over a thousand words about fucking fortune cookies right now, and I'm not even under the influence of any kind of drug except enthusiasm. I've been blowing rails of happiness all day long.

2) Only poor people who wish they were artists and haven't succeeded in pretty much anything say things like this.

:) You have a natural grace and great consideration for others :) : Yeah, tell me something I don't know. Just kidding, I'm easily one of the most un-graceful people I've ever encountered. Ask anyone who has seen my two-step dance, and they will tell you all about it. I have scars on my body from just walking around and falling on my face. That is not grace.

Some say faith is nowhere. Others say faith is now here: Look at that wordplay. It's like Jason Mraz's understudy is writing fortune cookies. I don't really even know how to go about trying to figure this one out, because faith can be a pretty confusing thing. Like trying to figure out why boobs are good or why anybody likes Nickelback.

You are one of those people who goes places in life: This is so true. I went to Scranton last weekend, and I went to two classes today. I go mad places.

This is the year when ingenuity stands high on the list: It really is that year for me. But I think ingenuity always stands pretty high on the list. At least it always makes it higher than doing actual meaningful work or making something presentable of myself.

What's vice today may be virtue tomorrow: This one just doesn't make any sense at all. How can a vice become a virtue? What if your vice is a hard drug addiction? How can that ever become a virtue? If a heroin addict got this fortune cookie, they may be given a great deal of false hope, and nothing is worse than false hope.

You are born with the sixth sense and superb insight: First of all, this isn't a fortune, because it tells me about something I was born with, not something that's eventually going to happen. This particular fortune cookie was not anywhere near the delivery room on November 6, 1987, so it doesn't know what I was born with. It's a pretty sweet compliment though, if it does end up being true. I'd love to have superb insight. I just don't know if I want the ability to see dead people though.

One extends one's limits only by exceeding them: Obviously. Who writes these, John Madden? I think this particular cookie is telling me that I should go out and try to drink more than 28 drinks in one night. That's pretty much my most extreme limit, and I feel like I should try to extend it sometime.

Time is the wisest counselor: This can be true, but I think I lean more towards experience.

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Well, that was fun. I guess I learned that fortune cookies aren't always accurate, but they can definitely make you think about things. I also learned that I'm a dumbass for ever thinking that a cookie could tell me where I'm going with my life, because I think fate extends much further than a sugary snack, if fate does indeed exist.