Marriage: Good, Bad, or Both?

I was having a stimulating conversation with my good friend Frank a few days ago, and somehow the subject of marriage popped up. We were talking about someone--I think it was either a famous actress or Harrison Ford--and I said, in jest of course, that I would marry that person. He responded by saying, "Yeah, you seem like someone that's ready to settle down and get married," which was obviously sarcastic, and I said, "Frank, the day I get married is the day that you see Chuck Norris in a pair of pantyhose playing the role of Sandy in a production of Grease.

If you didn't catch what I was throwing out with that comment, I was insinuating that I will never be prepared for marriage, and may never get married. There are reasons for this, and anyone that knows me very well would probably attest to the fact that I may not make a good husband, and have a phobia of commitment so deeply routed that I cannot even accept a fictional Facebook relationship request without first shitting my pants and crying. (That was a joke, kind of. Frank, I want you to know that the past week as your Facebook boyfriend has changed my life irrevocably, and I love you for it. Never leave me.)

Also, Frank found this funny, and put it up as his away message. I have since had more than one beautiful woman tell me that, if I was seriously in a pinch later on in life, they would marry me. Nice.

But, for some reason, the subject of marriage has continued to creep into my mind since that conversation, and I don't know why. It keeps showing up in books that I'm reading or television shows that I'm watching. It's actually a bit creepy, but has helped me think about the sacrement (?) of marriage and allowed me to see it in a new light; basically, because I over analyze pretty much everything. So, I'm going to drop some of the knowledge and ramblings that have been going on in my head, in the hopes that I'll soon be able to forget about marriage and revert back to a life that has a main concern of how I'm going to stay alive in four months when I turn 21...

In typical college male fashion, I've always been vehemently opposed to marriage and have felt that instead of simply legalizing gay marriage, we should also ban heterosexual marriage. I've had various dreams and thoughts of possibly getting married someday, of walking down that fucking aisle and saying the big "I do," and I've woken up drenched in sweat and frightened of my own shadow. I even had a dream that I married my mom once, and no, this isn't a play on words for how people always tell you that you marry a version of your mother. This really was my mother (Oedipus complex for sure). I shouldn't have gone public with that one.

Recently, though, I've thought about it, and if you can find the right person, marriage probably isn't all that bad. Obviously, finding the right person isn't any small or easy task, since statistics will show you that if you get married, you've got a 50/50 chance of getting divorced, which strikes me as extremely odd and disgruntling. So, I've decided if I ever do get married, it will be to a woman as close to perfect as I can possibly find (e.g. Megan Fox, Tina Fey, or that chick that's married to Ben Stiller), and it will last. This thought has helped warrant the ceaseless ponderings I've allowed myself to do concerning matrimony in the past few days.

One of the things I think would be cool about marriage is getting to sleep with a woman every night. I don't mean have sex, because lets face it, if you do that every single night it may get monotonous, and there will almost always be some sort of chafing issue involved. I mean actually sleeping.
***SIDENOTE: Who the fuck ever came up with the euphemism "Sleeping with someone" as a substitute for "having sex with someone." That's the stupidest fucking thing I've ever heard in all of my life. That's like saying you're cooking dinner when you're really outside playing a game of horse in the driveway with your Mexican neighbor, which is to say they're not even remotely close to being the same fucking thing.
Now, if you know me (and if you're reading this, you probably do, because no else does), then you're probably thinking, "But Scott, you like to sleep alone. You are the most restless sleeper I've ever met, and sleeping with a girl seems to only compound that problem for you," and I can't argue that. But, there is a definite difference between me sleeping with a girl and married people sleeping together: I sleep in a twin bed. When was the last time you threw on the television and found and episode of Family Matters that had Carl and his wife sleeping in a twin fucking bed? No, that shit doesn't happen. Married people get to sleep in a queen-sized bed AT LEAST. Most of the time, it's a king-size. This means that you have options when you're going to sleep. If you feel like cuddling that night, you can spoon your fucking heart out. If not, you can just stay on your side of the bed, read an Ayn Rand novel, and pass out. If you start out wanting to cuddle but then want to go to sleep after you start sweating as a result of their close body heat, you can disengage your sleeping arm and roll over. That shit would be awesome, it's like the best of both worlds. I wouldn't need my stuffed animals or an extra pillow anymore. Instead, I'd have a wife. I'd also get the priviledge of wearing pajama bottoms to bed every night. It seems like married guys in movies and on television never just rock the boxer briefs to bed. It's like once you join the world of married man, you get an automatic pass to the land of the bourgeoise.

Another awesome thing about marriage is kids. I really don't see any point in getting married if you're not going to have children at some point. Kids would be a big part of me wanting to settle down, and if I wasn't ever going to give it a shot at making them I probably would just continue to float through life in a drunken haze. I mean, sure, you can have kids out of wedlock, but lets face it: people still look down on that. I don't know why, really, but they do. In the future, I'd love to have some little kids that I can hang out with all the time, that admire me just because I'm their dad. I can teach them things and take them to the park. You know, shit like that. I'd especially like to read my blog to them, because little kids can't decipher vanity and will listen to whatever I say (I know this is true because my parents told me George Bush was cool).

Now, since I just talked about children and am neither Angelina Jolie or Madonna (they got their kids without taking part in the funnest prenatal activity), I feel it's my duty to talk about another aspect of marriage that leads to the children. That would be boning. I hope my mom doesn't read this one. All I've heard my entire life is that once a guy gets married, he stops getting laid. Well, that's entirely the guy's fault if it is indeed happening, because believe me, I know women, and women don't dislike it as much as we pretend they do. I'd like to think that if you're going to marry someone, it's a person you find very attractive and someone you would like to nail every other day for the rest of your life, or until you're rendered impotent. And this can happen, it really can. Take it from someone with no experience whatsoever. You just have to keep it interesting.

You can't just come home from the office everyday, eat dinner, read a magazine and then come into bed and throw it down missionary style. That shit gets boring, and eventually it becomes a regularity that thrills about the same amount as brushing your teeth in the morning. It's like masterbation. Any guy worth his salt has done it over a thousand times since the sixth grade, and will admit that it's not nearly as fun now as it was the first few times. You can't make it that interesting, and most people do it more out of habit and need to bust a nut on the computer screen while checking out some Asian women than for real enjoyment. For real enjoyment we watch The Office.

For a marriage to really work sexually, I imagine it must be spiced up. You've gotta do some role playing, at least. I'd elaborate on this but I'm really getting paranoid that my mom will read this and label me a deviant. Honestly, though, I have some good ideas. If you want to get married, let me know.

I really don't know what I'm talking about. I'm still probably not ever going to get married.